HEY, AMERICA! “WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP?”

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SLOW TRAIN COMING
by Bob Dylan
released: 1979
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'GOTTA SERVE SOMEBODY', the first song on BOB DYLAN’s 1979 Gospel offering, 'SLOW TRAIN COMING', begins with a metronome-like pounding on Pick Withers' drum. This single, regular beat gives the astute listener an impression of the hammering down of railroad ties. In other words, this is the slowly built but inexorably advancing train track that, once fully constructed, will make a Way for the arrival of a massive, powerful, and unstoppable Divine Force
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“The voice of one crying in the wilderness: Prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God.”
(Isaiah 40:3; circa 740-701 B.C.)
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“Then they said to [John the Baptist] ... What do you say about yourself? He said: I am the voice of one crying in the wilderness: Make straight the Way of the Lord, as the prophet Isaiah said.”
(John 1:23; circa 80–93 A.D.)
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Just as John the Baptist was commissioned to prepare the Way for the first incarnation of Jesus – who came as a meek lamb of Salvation – it is the duty of “Christians” to prepare the Way for His Second Coming, which will be anything but meek, and which will come so suddenly, so unexpectedly, and with such force that the many dark-hearted will find their dark hearts fainting with fright. 'SLOW TRAIN COMING' by Bob Dylan is both a warning and a celebration – a locomotive’s whistle.
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Unlike so much contemporary Christian music which seems to whine 'n' wheeze, this collection includes some real A-kickin’, toe-stompin’, and finger-pointing tracks. Buoyed by the unique musical contributions of Mark Knopfler and Pick Withers of Dire Straits, the Muscle Shoals Horns Section, and Barry Beckett with his fiery organ, the arrangements spell trouble for anyone who comes looking for another “Oh, La, La, La” Gospel album. And the lyrics clearly display the familiarity that Ol’ Bob had gained with 'The Word Of God'.
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I recall an interview Zimmy did with some music rag journalist not long after the release of 'SLOW TRAIN COMING' (it was probably Rolling Stoned magazine). The writer asked Bob what his favorite part of The Bible was and he answered “Leviticus.” The journalist dutifully recorded it, never realizing that Bob was obviously pulling the old dog’s leg. But then Rolling Stoned writers have undoubtedly spent more time in the pages of the Communist Manifesto than they have in 'The Word Of God'. (I've always loved Dylan's his smart-aleck nature. Gotta love them Mensa-donkeys.)
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'SLOW TRAIN COMING' is not without its weaknesses: 'I BELIEVE IN YOU' has probably the most atrocious singing I have ever heard from a professional singer. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that Bob was deliberately making a mockery of the song. The Reggae-influenced 'MAN GAVE NAMES TO ALL THE ANIMALS' is too long a piece to go without any musical break or tempo change. And the lyrics are overworked and sometimes too downright silly (“Great big furry back and furry hair”?!) to make the surprise payoff at the end worth the wait. And the slow closer, 'WHEN HE RETURNS', despite some heartfelt lyrics, kind of peters out (like Saint Peter at the trial of Jesus) on what is otherwise a really good record.
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'GOTTA SERVE SOMEBODY'; 'PRECIOUS ANGEL'; and 'DO RIGHT TO ME, BABY' are all solid, but 'SLOW TRAIN'; 'GONNA CHANGE MY WAY OF THINKING'; and 'WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP?' all kick some serious heathen a$$! These are “Play-em-Loud-And-Disturb-The-Devil” cuts!
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And Ol’ Zimmy really knew the score:
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“Sister, lemme tell you about a vision I saw.
You were drawing water for your husband, you were suffering under the law.
You were telling him about Buddha, you were telling him about Mohammad in the same breath.
You never one time mentioned the Man who came and died a criminal’s death.”
(~ from 'Precious Angel')
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“In the home of the brave, Jefferson’s turnin’ over in his grave ...
But the enemy I see wears a cloak of decency.”
(~ from 'Slow Train')
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"God don’t make no promises that He don’t keep.
You got some big dreams, baby, but in order to dream you gotta still be asleep. ...
"Counterfeit philosophies have polluted all your thoughts.
Karl Marx has got ya by the throat, Henry Kissinger’s got you tied up in knots. ...
"You got unrighteous doctors dealing drugs that’ll never cure your ills.
When you gonna wake up? 
...
"Adulterers in churches and pornography in the schools,
You got gangsters in power and lawbreakers making rules. 
...
"Do you ever wonder just what God requires?
You think He’s an errand boy to satisfy your wandering desires.”
(~ from 'When You Gonna Wake Up?')
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“Jesus said, Be ready,
For you know not the hour in which I come.
Jesus said, Be ready,
For you know not the hour in which I come.
He said, He who is not for Me is against me.
Just so you know where He’s coming from.”
(~ from 'Gonna Change My Way Of Thinking')
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Hey, America, it’s time to turn off your boob tube and study 'The Holy Book', because there’s a Train coming!
It may seem slow,
but it IS coming,
and sooner than you know.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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NUN TOO GOOD

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SISTER ACT
starring Whoopi Goldberg
1992
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This past November, I was in Reno, Nevada. Mrs. Van Owen, the shuttle driver who picked me up at the airport (women are always picking me up) pointed out the Saint Thomas Aquinas Cathedral as she was pulling into my hotel's parking lot, and she said, "That's the church they used in the movie SISTER ACT." Had it been ANY other church, I would have thought: Great, now how much do the video poker machines pay out on four deuces here?
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But it just so happens that when I was in Reno on August 12, 2001, Jesus sent me to the Saint Thomas Aquinas Cathedral (although I'm not Catholic) where I was the only White person to be found in the pews, and where I observed a Catholic mass delivered entirely in Spanish. (The only Spanish I know is "Si", "No", and some words that Ricky Garcia called me in junior high school.) I kept thinking: Nice music, Lord, but why did You send me here? It wasn't until the mass ended, and I exited the church, that He revealed His purpose: On the steps of that very cathedral, Jesus, with a "miraclette", answered an important and troubling question that I'd been praying about for an entire month. (That's a story for another review.) So when my shuttle driver mentioned that particular church being used in the movie SISTER ACT, I determined to rent the 1992, WHOOPI GOLDBERG vehicle upon my return to Airheadzona. I'm back and I did.
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Now, I grew tired of Goldberg's sassy, mono-note shtick a long time ago ("You want me to do WHAT?! Uh-uh. You got the WRONG woman, fool!"), so I wasn't expecting much, and my expectations were met but not exceeded. I knew this thing was going to be nun too good when I saw Harvey Keitel mentioned in the opening credits. (I have a rule of thumb: "Avoid EVERYTHING with Harvey Keitel in it." But since there's an exception to almost every rule, I'll add, "except maybe TAXI DRIVER.")
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SISTER ACT's bad habits started immediately: It opens with a scene at "Saint Anne's Academy in 1968" (with the Saint Thomas Aquinas Cathedral playing the part of Saint Anne's Academy in one brief shot. Boo! I rented THIS movie for THAT?) Here we find Deloris Van Cartier (later played by Goldberg) as a youngster being asked by a nun to name the apostles. She gives a "Fabulous" (but incorrect) answer. Cut to Van Cartier many years later performing as the leader in a girl group retro act at a Reno lounge, and showing great unhappiness at being ignored by the nearby boozers and gamblers. Is it really unusual for free entertainment on a casino floor to go scarcely noticed? Would this REALLY upset a longtime lounge singer? Wouldn't she be used to the lack of attention while on stage by now? It would be the norm; just another day, just another paycheck. We've got nonsense right out of the chute, I thought.
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The two-bit Reno nightclub singer, Van Cartier, accidentally witnesses her boyfriend, Vince LaRocca, orchestrate a young man's murder. (HARVEY KEITEL plays the evidently sight-challenged mobster. He couldn't find a more attractive two-bit nightclub singer in all of Reno? Please!) Now Van Cartier is (a soon-to-be nun) on the run.
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Until LaRocca's murder charge comes up for trial, Lieutenant Eddie Souther (BILL NUNN, who must have gotten the part based only on his last name) places Van Cartier in a convent under the Witness Protection Program. The hulking Nunn is horribly miscast and gives a downright embarrassing performance as a lawman. Trying to pass this guy off as a street-hardened, high-ranking law enforcement officer is like trying to pass off Garfield the cat as a police dog! Nunn plays most scenes with this goofy "oh-you-kid" grin. (Sit down, Lieutentant, before you hurt yourself!)
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Meanwhile, gangster LaRocca - awaiting his murder trial, yet incredibly free to roam the city (What? Did he have a "Get Out Of Jail" card tucked into his "violin case"?) - and his two un-intimidating, geriatric hitmen, are trying to locate Van Cartier to enunciate with gunfire their displeasure at her willingness to testify.
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In the convent, Van Cartier's life is adhering to the typical Hollywood formula - "the outcast finds her niche and makes good" paint-by-numbers kit. You know the gig! And we're treated to all the usual: Tough and/or cool street people in ridiculously exaggerated "tough and/or cool street people" costumes (how about just T-shirts and jeans, folks? You know, like REAL people on the street wear?); the gag where three guys simultaneously rush through a small opening and momentarily get stuck a la The Three Stooges (Har!-Har!-Har!); and of course, the obligatory and ubiquitous bit where the guys take it in the "family jewels" while the heroine makes good her escape. (The nutcracker shtick ceased to be fresh and funny about 1976, but they're still feeding it to us regularly because, you know, there's little genuine writing talent in Tinsel Town. Or haven't you noticed?)
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There are about 101 additional problems with this act, Sisters and Brothers, but there's no point in listing them all; it's not like you're going to pay attention to anything I say anyway. (The nuns fly to Reno to rescue Van Cartier because... uhm... there was no way to telephone Reno Law Enforcement? That's just a guess on my part. "Ain't nun of ya in the habit of keeping any spare change around, pray tell?")
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I did enjoy the clever musical arrangements, and Goldberg's prayer before supper at the convent was appropriately inappropriate. But I loved Mary Wickes in the minor role of Sister Mary Lazarus, the ancient but tough-as-General MacArthur nun. I thought she had the best lines in the movie. ("I liked my convent in Vancouver, out in the woods. It wasn't all modern like some of these newfangled convents. We didn't have electricity - cold water, bare feet - THOSE were nuns!... it was hell on earth. I loved it! This place is a Hilton.") You go, Sister! Discipline those Pillsbury Dough Boy-soft troops!
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Still, I can think of better uses for my time than watching SISTER ACT. (Sleeping, eating, reading, and writing a negative review of SISTER ACT all come immediately to mind.) Hey, I love a fun, stupid comedy (e.g., 'The Pink Panther Strikes Again' or 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'), but because it actually asks us to accept as plausible its preposterous scenario, SISTER ACT is dumber than a lobotomized moron with paralyzed vocal cords. Making it, of course, the ideal movie for post-literate America. Whoopi!!
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(I hear what you're thinking: Why is he always knocking America? But I'm not! I'm always criticizing America, and there's a difference: 2 more syllables and 3 more letters!)
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES “B” WESTERNS

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THE ROY ROGERS COLLECTION
Roy Rogers DVD Boxed Set
released: 2006
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A lot of folks don’t know that ROY ROGERS (Leonard Slye; 1911-1998) was born at approximately where 2nd base in Cincinnati’s old Riverfront Stadium would eventually be located. How American is that? It’s a wonder he didn’t emerge from the womb draped in The Stars And Stripes, holding aloft an apple pie still hot from “the oven” and whistling ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’ (or ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’). Every time Pete Rose slid into 2nd base, ol’ Roy probably thought that the Reds had scored a run because Charlie Hustle was safe at “home.”
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Roy Rogers was one of my great heroes when I was a kid, and I can still recall the pride with which I wore my bright yellow raincoat with the black pictures printed on it of Roy (“King Of The Cowboys”), Trigger (“The Smartest Horse In The Movies"), and Dale Evans (“The Queen Of The West”). I even had a little schoolboy crush on Roy’s wife, Dale.
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These old “B” Westerns starring Roy were so wholesome and exuded such innocence that I can’t help saddling up from time to time with my old hero and revisiting a simpler, more pleasant bygone time that won’t be riding our way again. Heaven? Well, it can’t be much better than lounging around late on a Saturday morning in cotton flannel jamas, with hot coffee, and watching Roy round up rustlers. “Look out behind that rock, Roy!” Too late. Oh well, Roy will ultimately win the fight (even if he does consistently “fall” for that leg sweep trick) because the good guys and bad guys are always clearly delineated in “B” Westerns and the good guys always win. And what’s wrong wit dat?
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In 1990, my girlfriend and I self-published "CALAMITY CAT'S AND BLACK COLE KID'S UNCOMPLICATED GUIDE TO WESTERN MOVIES FOR THE SIMPLE-MINDED COWPERSON." It’s quite a collector’s item now; I’ve even heard of some copies selling for as much as ten cents! Calamity Cat and I saw every Western you can think of (and plenty that you can’t). On September 7, 1990, we drove out to the Roy Rogers Museum in Victorville, California, and since The Good Lord had taken a liking to us, we actually met Roy and Dale. I recognized that distinctive “double rolled” crown of his cowboy hat as he drove past in a van. “It’s him!” I yelled. “Cut him off at the pass!”, Calamity demanded. I was really going to attempt to box him into the parking lot with my car (Calamity and I were both temporarily insane), but he pulled over of his own volition.
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When Roy said he no longer signed autographs, Calamity and I were crushed. He added, “But we’ll be happy to have our picture taken with you.” Yeah, sure. We watched Roy work the crowd for awhile and then as someone started to hustle him off, he stopped and said, “Wait! You two wanted a picture, didn’t you?” We couldn’t believe it! He and Dale posed with us, and Roy insisted that a second shot be taken just in case the first one didn't turn out well. (I later tried to feed Trigger a handful of oats but he refused to take a bite as he was already stuffed.) We were so eager to see the pictures that Calamity and I went to a one-hour photo joint in Victorville and waited while the film was processed.
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Roy Rogers was probably the most famous of the old “singing cowboys”, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that the “singing” part was just a movie production gimmick. Roy was a founding member of the renowned and influential Country-Western group THE SONS OF THE PIONEERS, and he had a d*mn fine voice and really knew how to swing. There was nothing “B” about Roy’s vocals! No, sir – he was the real McCoy when it came to music. And by all accounts, one of the nicest gentlemen in the history of Hollywood. (But then there’s never been a lot of competition in Tinsel Town in that department.)
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Although the audio/visual quality of some of these old prints is pretty ragged at times, you’re getting 20 of Roy’s classic Westerns (2 in Trucolor – which is something of a small fib) for a dern low price. Will you find a better deal anywhere? “Neigh.” Included is 1944's historic “COWBOY AND THE SENORITA” (the first time Roy and Dale appeared in a film together) and perennial favorites of the Roy Rogers fan clubs, “KING OF THE COWBOYS”, “ROBIN HOOD OF THE PECOS”, and “MY PAL TRIGGER” which chronicles the birth of Roy’s famous palomino.
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For this little wrangler, the inclusion of my three favorite R.R. pictures alone made this DVD worth the price:
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“HELDORADO” has Nevada Ranger Roy tracking counterfeiters in Las Vegas. It includes the quintessential old coot sidekick, GABBY HAYES (“Pershnickety females!”); the rubber-faced pre-Jim Carrey Jim Carrey, PAT BRADY, who sings the wonderfully comic “I’m A High-Strung Lad”; Roy’s great line when he rescues Dale from a locked refrigerator (I won’t spoil it); and concludes with an astounding shot of what downtown Las Vegas looked like in 1946!
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“BELLS OF SAN ANGELO” (1942, in Trucolor) has some great songs (including THE SONS OF THE PIONEERS doing “Lazy Day” and Brady’s manic antics over “Hot Lead.”)
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And I suppose my favorite is “UNDER CALIFORNIA STARS” (1948, in Trucolor) which in a sense is an archetypal “B” Western. It commemorated Roy’s 10th anniversary in motion pictures and he and THE SONS revisited “Dust”, the featured song in Roy’s very first movie. The story revolves around the kidnapping of Trigger, a lame little boy, Ted, and his scruffy ragamuffin dog named... what else?... “Tramp”. At one point, Trigger stomps on the face of a prostrated “inflatable” villain (HOO!-HOO!-HOO! Watch in slow motion for capital “B”, “B”ad special effect laughter) and this movie contains perhaps the meanest, most downright ornery thing Roy ever uttered on the silver screen... brace yourself now: “IT’S TOO BAD A KID LIKE TED HAD TO GET HIMSELF MIXED UP WITH A NO GOOD GUY LIKE YOU!” But don’t worry, Roy will eventually get Trigger back and get the best doctor in the country to heal Ted’s leg. Everything’s Gonna “B” OK (EGBOK).
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Unfortunately, the Mill Creek Entertainment company felt it necessary to display their logo in the bottom right corner of the screen every so often, but really, what does that matter? I mean, you’re viewing movies in which the good guys chase the bad guys on horseback around the very same rock formations from one movie to the next (watch them boulders, some of them are like recurring characters!)
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Nevertheless, mind your tongue around me! As I wrote in the out-of-print Western movie guide that Calamity Cat and I created: “Let me spell it out for you... I don’t give an armadillo’s tail in Texas what you think of his movies, but you best not say not nice things about MY Mr. Rogers when I’m around, lest your butt and my metal-tipped cowboy boots get acquainted!”
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Well, ‘Happy Trails To You’ until I review again.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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