NUN TOO GOOD

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SISTER ACT
starring Whoopi Goldberg
1992
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This past November, I was in Reno, Nevada. Mrs. Van Owen, the shuttle driver who picked me up at the airport (women are always picking me up) pointed out the Saint Thomas Aquinas Cathedral as she was pulling into my hotel's parking lot, and she said, "That's the church they used in the movie SISTER ACT." Had it been ANY other church, I would have thought: Great, now how much do the video poker machines pay out on four deuces here?
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But it just so happens that when I was in Reno on August 12, 2001, Jesus sent me to the Saint Thomas Aquinas Cathedral (although I'm not Catholic) where I was the only White person to be found in the pews, and where I observed a Catholic mass delivered entirely in Spanish. (The only Spanish I know is "Si", "No", and some words that Ricky Garcia called me in junior high school.) I kept thinking: Nice music, Lord, but why did You send me here? It wasn't until the mass ended, and I exited the church, that He revealed His purpose: On the steps of that very cathedral, Jesus, with a "miraclette", answered an important and troubling question that I'd been praying about for an entire month. (That's a story for another review.) So when my shuttle driver mentioned that particular church being used in the movie SISTER ACT, I determined to rent the 1992, WHOOPI GOLDBERG vehicle upon my return to Airheadzona. I'm back and I did.
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Now, I grew tired of Goldberg's sassy, mono-note shtick a long time ago ("You want me to do WHAT?! Uh-uh. You got the WRONG woman, fool!"), so I wasn't expecting much, and my expectations were met but not exceeded. I knew this thing was going to be nun too good when I saw Harvey Keitel mentioned in the opening credits. (I have a rule of thumb: "Avoid EVERYTHING with Harvey Keitel in it." But since there's an exception to almost every rule, I'll add, "except maybe TAXI DRIVER.")
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SISTER ACT's bad habits started immediately: It opens with a scene at "Saint Anne's Academy in 1968" (with the Saint Thomas Aquinas Cathedral playing the part of Saint Anne's Academy in one brief shot. Boo! I rented THIS movie for THAT?) Here we find Deloris Van Cartier (later played by Goldberg) as a youngster being asked by a nun to name the apostles. She gives a "Fabulous" (but incorrect) answer. Cut to Van Cartier many years later performing as the leader in a girl group retro act at a Reno lounge, and showing great unhappiness at being ignored by the nearby boozers and gamblers. Is it really unusual for free entertainment on a casino floor to go scarcely noticed? Would this REALLY upset a longtime lounge singer? Wouldn't she be used to the lack of attention while on stage by now? It would be the norm; just another day, just another paycheck. We've got nonsense right out of the chute, I thought.
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The two-bit Reno nightclub singer, Van Cartier, accidentally witnesses her boyfriend, Vince LaRocca, orchestrate a young man's murder. (HARVEY KEITEL plays the evidently sight-challenged mobster. He couldn't find a more attractive two-bit nightclub singer in all of Reno? Please!) Now Van Cartier is (a soon-to-be nun) on the run.
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Until LaRocca's murder charge comes up for trial, Lieutenant Eddie Souther (BILL NUNN, who must have gotten the part based only on his last name) places Van Cartier in a convent under the Witness Protection Program. The hulking Nunn is horribly miscast and gives a downright embarrassing performance as a lawman. Trying to pass this guy off as a street-hardened, high-ranking law enforcement officer is like trying to pass off Garfield the cat as a police dog! Nunn plays most scenes with this goofy "oh-you-kid" grin. (Sit down, Lieutentant, before you hurt yourself!)
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Meanwhile, gangster LaRocca - awaiting his murder trial, yet incredibly free to roam the city (What? Did he have a "Get Out Of Jail" card tucked into his "violin case"?) - and his two un-intimidating, geriatric hitmen, are trying to locate Van Cartier to enunciate with gunfire their displeasure at her willingness to testify.
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In the convent, Van Cartier's life is adhering to the typical Hollywood formula - "the outcast finds her niche and makes good" paint-by-numbers kit. You know the gig! And we're treated to all the usual: Tough and/or cool street people in ridiculously exaggerated "tough and/or cool street people" costumes (how about just T-shirts and jeans, folks? You know, like REAL people on the street wear?); the gag where three guys simultaneously rush through a small opening and momentarily get stuck a la The Three Stooges (Har!-Har!-Har!); and of course, the obligatory and ubiquitous bit where the guys take it in the "family jewels" while the heroine makes good her escape. (The nutcracker shtick ceased to be fresh and funny about 1976, but they're still feeding it to us regularly because, you know, there's little genuine writing talent in Tinsel Town. Or haven't you noticed?)
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There are about 101 additional problems with this act, Sisters and Brothers, but there's no point in listing them all; it's not like you're going to pay attention to anything I say anyway. (The nuns fly to Reno to rescue Van Cartier because... uhm... there was no way to telephone Reno Law Enforcement? That's just a guess on my part. "Ain't nun of ya in the habit of keeping any spare change around, pray tell?")
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I did enjoy the clever musical arrangements, and Goldberg's prayer before supper at the convent was appropriately inappropriate. But I loved Mary Wickes in the minor role of Sister Mary Lazarus, the ancient but tough-as-General MacArthur nun. I thought she had the best lines in the movie. ("I liked my convent in Vancouver, out in the woods. It wasn't all modern like some of these newfangled convents. We didn't have electricity - cold water, bare feet - THOSE were nuns!... it was hell on earth. I loved it! This place is a Hilton.") You go, Sister! Discipline those Pillsbury Dough Boy-soft troops!
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Still, I can think of better uses for my time than watching SISTER ACT. (Sleeping, eating, reading, and writing a negative review of SISTER ACT all come immediately to mind.) Hey, I love a fun, stupid comedy (e.g., 'The Pink Panther Strikes Again' or 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'), but because it actually asks us to accept as plausible its preposterous scenario, SISTER ACT is dumber than a lobotomized moron with paralyzed vocal cords. Making it, of course, the ideal movie for post-literate America. Whoopi!!
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(I hear what you're thinking: Why is he always knocking America? But I'm not! I'm always criticizing America, and there's a difference: 2 more syllables and 3 more letters!)
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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RAZING RAISING ARIZONA

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RAISING ARIZONA
directed by: Ethan Coen, Joel Coen
released: 1987
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Now, don’t y'all get me wrong, I enjoys me an offbeat comedy as much as the next person. Heck, I myself am as “offbeat” as it gets this side o’ the cuckoo’s nest. And, yeah, I chuckled two, maybe three times during the course of this 90-minute movie. But that ain’t a good laughs-to-minutes ratio, boys ‘n’ girls. Problem is, I prefer my offbeat comedies to be funny. ...Yeah, I’m funny that way.
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I s’pose I can see why some o' the people of Airheadzona might think this is a great comedy. After all, Airheadzona's collective I.Q. rating is commensurate with its average temperature during the dog days of Summer. But what excuse does the rest o’ yous have?
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Not to worry - I’m a-gonna buy each and every one o’ yous a REAL, fully-developed Sense O’Humor for Christmas this year. (Provided The Comedy Store has ‘em on sale. I doesn't like to pay me full price!)
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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"A MOVIE WITHOUT ANY SKILLS"

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NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
directed by Jared Hess
released: 2004
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I was invited to my Sister's house yesterday to watch NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, a movie that I had heard many good things about. The movie reviewer for our local paper, 'The Arizona Republic' (more appropriately called 'The Daily Disappointment' by the former mayor of Prescott, Sam Steiger), proclaimed it the sleeper of 2004. And that's a label that might apply to many of its potential viewers. As the DVD was inserted into the player, and I settled onto the sofa, my 16-year-old niece, Shannon, who had seen the movie previously, said, "It's a pointless movie; it has no storyline." Oh, the wisdom that sometimes emanates from the mouths of babes!
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I contemplated some of the clever and funny ways I might review NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, but decided to tackle it from an angle I seldom employ:  straight-forward. I suppose it's understandable why some kids (8 to 12 perhaps) might find this movie entertaining, but this review is a public service announcement for everybody else tempted to buy or rent this "sleeper." QUESTION: Is it fair to harshly criticize a simple little comedy? (A poor word to describe this movie, but one must categorize.) ANSWER: Yes, because it asks for $20 of your money and / or 86 minutes of your valuable time!
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NAPOLEON DYNAMITE is a movie without any "skills", but plenty of problems. This is dynamite that only blows up in the viewer's face.
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PROBLEM #1: I understand that the movie was originally a concept for a student film. Well, the writer / director is STILL a student, because he evidently doesn't understand the most rudimentary principles of filmmaking. A movie needs a central conflict that propels the viewer from scene to scene. This is something that most foreign filmmakers have also failed to grasp. They're still trying to put books on film, and they usually bore because novels and movies are two different mediums with unique necessities. It is possible for an episodic film to succeed, but this is exceedingly rare and requires that every scene be poignant and expand the viewer's understanding of the characters. NAPOLEON DYNAMITE simply moves from one supposedly amusing skit to another. The scenes lack dynamism and do not illustrate previously unexplored facets of the characters. And that brings up another problem...
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THE CHARACTERS: The principal character, Napoleon Dynamite, could best be described as a two-toned dog: 'Goofy' with the hairstyle of a poodle! It's fine to have an odd character or two, but you cannot entirely people your story with oddballs. You must have one or two "ordinary" characters to balance the relationships. Here, the only characters who are not overtly strange are simply one-dimensional bullies and snobbish school queens who appear only occasionally to act as a foil for the misfits. Consider the great sit-com, 'THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW': In the early days, Griffith played Andy Taylor as "a heavy-handed rural clown", and it didn't really work; there were too many of that sort in the cast. One day, Griffith said, "I just realized that I'm the straight man. I'm playing straight to all these kooks around me." The next season he downplayed his character, becoming the true heart and soul of the show. NAPOLEON DYNAMITE has no heart and soul; it is just a bunch of kooks in search of a story. And unbelievable kooks at that. The scenes between LaFawnduh and Kip were preposterous in the extreme.
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Sure, there were a few nice moments that elicited a smile or a snicker or two from me. They did manage to convey that sense of insecurity and social ineptitude of young people (especially through the monosyllabic dialogue). Seeing Napoleon step out of his cocoon and daringly help his friend Pedro at the school assembly was the one moment in which we see some sort of genuine growth in a character. The shot of Napoleon practicing his dance moves through his partially closed bedroom door was the one artistic flair that got my attention. Nicely done. And I did appreciate the fact that here was a movie without the customary nudity and over-the-top profanity and violence. But it takes more than that to justify spending an hour and a half of my time in front of the "Lobotomizer."
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It's clear to me that Hollyweird is now officially out of ideas. The Hollyweirdos have been reduced to making movies based on comic books (Superman, Batman, Spiderman, et. al.), TV shows (The Brady Bunch, The Honeymooners, Bewitched), remaking movies that don't need any remaking (Born Yesterday, The Longest Yard, The Bad News Bears), and trying to pass off student movies as genuine films (Napoleon Dynamite). Don't be fooled: NAPOLEON DYNAMITE is nothing more than a low-budget student movie that pretends to make some sort of statement, and imagines itself to be a "film"; it's an invisibly small-scale story that desires to be thought of as something bigger and more important. Kind of like that other Napoleon.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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You’ll Need A Bottle Of “MESCAL” To Get Through This One!

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THE QUICK AND THE DEAD
starring Sharon Stone and Gene Hackman
released: 1995
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In THE QUICK AND THE DEAD, Sharon Stone plays a cheroot-smoking, Clint Eastwood-mimicking 1800s gunslinger, and Gene Hackman plays Gene Hackman -- think of a wood plank; you know, something just a little less rigid and a little more emotional than Clint Eastwood.
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For the intelligent reader, this is all the review that should be necessary. Sure, I could proceed point-by-point in illustrating what makes this movie such a putrid corpse (a real “Boot Hill” special), but frankly, it is not even worthy of a serious critique.
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THE QUICK AND THE DEAD -- along with Jack Nicholson’s THE SHOOTING (1967) and Jane Russell’s THE OUTLAW (1943) -- represents “The Dreck Of The West” on celluloid, and it is a good example of why I completely stopped going to the movies two decades ago. I was tired of paying money to have my intelligence insulted (as well as having Hollywood’s immorality paraded before my eyes).
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Although this movie is an empty-headed, overly-produced, ultra-dippy “cartoon” (the Biblical allusion was especially stupid and any Yosemite Sam cartoon would be funnier and equally believable), it did amply show me what I borrowed it from the library to see -- namely, MESCAL.
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MESCAL is a frontier town movie set where numerous Westerns have been filmed. It is located near Benson, Arizona, just three miles North of Interstate 10 (exit #297) and on “the other side of the tracks.” (I’ve always wanted to say that!)
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My brother, Napoleon, my friend, Pooh, and I sneaked into MESCAL quite a number of years back (a REAL Outlaw Trio), but I have since longed to take the “official” $8.00, 45-minute guided tour, and on a day in May, that dream was finally realized.
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The tour begins in the large saloon built specifically for THE QUICK AND THE DEAD, and there are no phones, johns, or refreshments available. (No saltwater taffy here, folks! This is the REAL West... uhm... built for moviemaking.) Some other FAR BETTER Westerns than The Quick And The Dead that have largely or partially utilized the MESCAL set include:
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The great [link> MONTE WALSH (1970) featuring Lee Marvin and Jack Palance. MESCAL represented both towns, Harmony and Charleyville.
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MESCAL was Roy Bean’s Langtry, Texas, in THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JUDGE ROY BEAN (1972), and Paul Newman’s courthouse/saloon is still standing!
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If memory serves me, it stood in for (if memory serves me) Hays, Kansas in THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES (1976), where that old cigar-store Indian of an actor, Clint Eastwood, asked the Confederate soldiers, "Are you going to pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?"
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And it played the part of Tombstone, Arizona, in Val Kilmer’s TOMBSTONE (1993). On the MESCAL tour, you will walk into The Oriental saloon (now an empty shell of its former self) where Kurt Russell slapped around Billy Bob Thornton and where, later, Ol’ Doc Holliday matched Ol’ Johnny Ringo’s gun tricks with a fancy exhibition of silver cup-handling.
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The MESCAL Tour operates on a very limited schedule, so call ahead: (520) 883-0100; press menu option #7.
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I watched THE QUICK AND THE DEAD -- filmed entirely at MESCAL -- solely to see the movie set. And if you haven’t got any gardening to do; a house to clean; children to watch; a good book to read; quality music to hear; a dinner to cook; letters to write; bills to pay; windows to wash; a dentist to see; a room to paint; a leaky faucet to fix; a friend to visit; a car to repair; a play to attend; a wife (or husband) to love; a drawing to sketch; a good movie to view; an enemy to fight; a dog to walk; a cat to kick; a geriatric to help; a mouse to catch; a fly to swat; a walk to take; dishes to scrub; laundry to fold; prayers to pray; shopping to do; a bank to rob; a supermodel to stalk; a nap to sleep; a game of solitaire to play; or a Louisville Slugger-wielding friend to batter you into unconsciousness, then by all means, I recommend that you borrow THE QUICK AND THE DEAD from your local library.
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But be forewarned, if you do borrow it from your library and your trigger finger doesn’t hit that “eject” button QUICK enough when the movie turns stupid (which it does very QUICKLY), then this movie might render you brain-DEAD. Of course, if you actually PURCHASE this movie, then you probably already are!
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For more information about Mescal and Old Tucson Studios, click HERE.
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"Sneaking In Directions":
Take I-10 East out of Tucson approx. 35 miles to exit #297 -- Go north 3 miles to where the pavement ends. Proceed West up the hill to town. Be quiet so as not to wake the security guard sleeping in the old recreational vehicle.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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BAH, HUMBUG!

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THE ORION PROPHECY
by Patrick Geryl
published: 2001
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Hi, it's me again! I've just finished reading (all that I intend to read of) THE ORION PROPHECY by Patrick Geryl.
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Now, I certainly never thought of myself as a genius, but evidently I'm a bigger maroon than I ever suspected because, frankly, by page 28, I was hopelessly lost and didn't have CLUE ONE what the author was "doing somersaults" about! It seems he had just "indisputably" proven something, but I had no idea what that was, let alone what proved it!
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You see, the author's writing style struck me as being convoluted, and when you're trying to explain complex theories such as this to the common layman (especially THIS ONE, whose math skills are south of deplorable), you had better write crystal clearly. Unfortunately, our author was not up to the task. He might thoroughly understand his subject, but he would have been better served by finding someone else to explain it to us.
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Almost from the beginning, I felt as though I had entered a theater in the middle of the second act of a three act play. After page 57, I was skimming because I had realized that actually comprehending this book was beyond my capabilities. All that I knew for certain was that, based on the translation of the Egyptian 'Zodiac Of Dendera' hieroglyphs (which I was expected to assume had been correctly deciphered), and a series of intricate computations, "THE EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED ON 21-22 DECEMBER, 2012". Forget proving it to me; I'll just take the author's word for it. My brain hurts and my ego is bruised!
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I don't mean to imply that I was unable to relate to ANYTHING that Mr. Geryl had written: On page 73, while postulating on the Age Of Aquarius, he wrote, "In the musical HAIR they sing the praises of it..." I could relate to that because as a kid in the early 1970s, I owned that Broadway musical soundtrack and played it often (although I now hate to admit that!) On page 186, he states that "2,664 - 2,627 = 37". I fetched a pencil, a piece of paper, and a large pink eraser, and I tested it, and sure enough, he was exactly right. I was now a big believer... in THAT! Also, on page 207, he wrote, "Dogs started barking and howling..." and I could relate to that too, because one of my neighbors has a canine friend who keeps it up all day long!
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But what I found most interesting was this tidbit from Room 222-- er... I mean, PAGE 222: "It's about 24,000 miles around the earth at the equator. Since the earth makes a complete revolution every 24 hours, that means we travel 24,000 miles every 24 hours. Divide 24 hours into 24,000 miles, and you'll come to the shocking realization that we are whirling around the global axis at about 1,000 miles an hour."
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Wow!! I had never thought about it in that way before! Boy, that really puts the INDY 500 in a new and disappointing perspective for you, doesn't it? Of course, I question whether it was really worth $11.87 for me to gain this new perspective.
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True, I am being a real MENSA-donkey [smart-ass] in this review, when in fact, this book may contain brilliant theories and rock-solid science. I don't doubt that it MAY be authentic and over my head (kinda like my cowboy hat). I'd love to have it explained to me... more carefully (and with smaller numbers). Meanwhile, I'll assume that the author really knows his stuff, and I just won't plan on doing any Christmas shopping in 2012.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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“F” Stands For: FANTASTICALLY FAR-FETCHED FEMINIST FANTASY FLICK

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[*This review was originally published at Amazon.com 
on Thurs. Jan. 18th, 2007*]
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GIRLFIGHT
directed by Karyn Kusama
released: 2000
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Karyn Kusama’s GIRLFIGHT is nothing more than a strident misandrist pleasuring herself on film!
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Ordinarily, I would never consider wasting my valuable time watching this type of movie, much less bothering to write anything about it, but because I recently wrote a series of reviews for some mostly older anti-Feminism books, it was suggested to me that I should also “weigh in” on GIRLFIGHT, which I had previously never even heard of.
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Written and directed by then-newcomer Kusama, the title, GIRLFIGHT, is simply a rather pedestrian substitution for “Woman’s Struggle”, that is, “Feminism.” Her title displays the same sort of “heavy-handed” touch that she exhibits throughout the movie. As a filmmaker, Kusama has all the subtlety of a Great White Shark in a feeding frenzy. The movie consists of one “ham-fisted” symbol after another, decrying all of the usual exaggerated and simplistic contentions regarding men that radical Feminists have been screeching about for over forty years; illustrating the feminist anthems; and portraying resolutions dreamed up in their wishful fantasies.
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It should come as no surprise to any educated person that GIRLFIGHT won a couple of awards at Robert “Red” Redford’s Sundance Film Festival in 2000; the incestuous relationship between Marxism and Feminism has long been established, and GIRLFIGHT was bound to be enthusiastically embraced at Sundance, and promoted as another vehicle for further conditioning the masses -- particularly young women -- toward the Socialistic goals of hard-core feminism. (If you want to turn off your TV one day and read a nonfiction book, The Gender Agenda by Dale O’Leary, or The Privilege Of Being A Woman by Alice von Hildebrand, would be a smashing place to begin.) It was, after all, no less a Communist than Vladimir Lenin himself who stated in 1920, “We must create a powerful international women’s movement.” (Was keeping the spectators seated and talking during the singing of The Star-Spangled Banner before GIRLFIGHT’s climactic bout a Marxist “jab” at America?)
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* Although I will not be discussing anything that the majority of the previous reviewers have not already revealed, be advised that this review will examine the major plot points and the ending of GIRLFIGHT. If you don’t want to know how this movie ends, you should discontinue reading this review.
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Ostensibly, the story is about a high school girl, Diana Guzman (Michelle Rodriguez), who, prone to violent outbursts, redirects her aggression by taking up boxing and ultimately confronts her emotionally abusive dad, and then later, her boyfriend in the ring. The entire movie is simply a kaleidoscope of embarrassingly overt visual metaphors meant to convey the concept of Patriarchy getting pummeled to a pulp by Womanhood, and the castration of perceived masculine power. (Diana or Artemis, the goddess of the hunt, is portrayed in mythology as having killed various men and male gods.)
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Early on, we get a barely veiled glimpse of Diana’s (writer/director Kusama’s mouthpiece) disdain for the traditional role of women in society when she stares out of her 11th story bedroom window at a mother pushing a baby carriage with a crying toddler in tow. That she’s “looking down on Motherhood” couldn’t have been more obvious.
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There are three “types” of one-dimensional men (or malignancies) in this movie. (The “father”, the “son”, and the “emasculated ghost”?)...
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#1) The domineering, emotionally and physically abusive male determined to “keep women in their place.” This type of man is represented by Diana’s drunken dad, and in a typical exhibition of Kusama’s over-the-top symbolism, he is knocked around and nearly strangled to death by Diana in the family’s kitchen (after she has received some boxing training). Get it? A woman’s place is in the kitchen, but only if that’s the location she chooses for bloodying the Patriarchy! “You belong to me now! ... All these years you just looked right through me”, Diana says to her beaten dad on behalf of women everywhere.
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#2) The unfaithful romancer who refuses to accept women on equal terms in every single facet of social endeavor. He is represented by Diana’s love interest, Adrian, who dreams of “winning” his way out of the projects with a successful boxing career. Giving him the name of Rocky Balboa’s wife was an obvious slap at the character and at men in general who express their manhood through a fascination with sports and sports movies. That slap becomes a punch, however, when 18-year-old Diana, with perhaps two months worth of training, defeats 19-year-old Adrian in the ring -- despite the fact that he’s been training for nearly a year, and supposedly has true professional boxing potential. (In a sorry display of how far Kusama was willing to go to get the most “punch for the buck”, she wants us to believe that these two characters would be fighting in the same weight class. Never mind that Adrian is obviously 6” taller than Diana and appears to outweigh her by about 40 pounds. It simply wouldn’t do to have the Feminist hero defeat a man merely her own size!)
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#3) Diana’s brother, Tiny, is the way men ought to be in Kusama’s warped world. He is artistic, sensitive, effeminate, satisfactorily de-masculinized already. He is tolerable because he is pathetic, as he can do nothing but stand back, wring his hands, and plead for his dad’s life, while the “new” man (Diana GuzMAN -- get it?) strangles the “old” man in the kitchen and usurps his authority (i.e., transforms the Patriarchal family unit into a Matriarchy). 
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But in an ironic twist, Kusama also reveals her revulsion at the feminine man as well, by naming him TINY. Diana’s brother is neither excessively large or small for his age, so we must assume that the name hints at something else: His unmanly “endowments” literally or figuratively; his diminished social status in the imagined new Matriarchy; or simply Kusama’s personal view of such effete men?
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GIRLFIGHT begins with one of the silliest opening shots ever conceived. (Diana Guzman looks up and glares directly at the camera, i.e., at “you”, the viewer. Why? Uh, well, because Kusama told her to.) And it ends with one of the most improbable scenes ever filmed: After losing to her in the ring -- bringing his dream of a boxing career to an end -- Adrian practically begs Diana not to break up with him. This shows just how out-of-touch with reality and Male Psychology these extreme Feminists really are. If such a scenario as presented in this movie were even truly possible, does Kusama and her Feminist horde actually believe that a “man” in this situation would REALLY want to retain his romantic relationship with his female conqueror? That he would be willing to take a licking and keep on kissing?) GIRLFIGHT is indeed a Feminist fantasy from the opening bell to the final round.
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It does, however, contain a few positive ingredients: Technically, the screenplay is competently constructed and well-paced, and some of the cinematography is imaginative. The score nicely compliments the images and adds an exotic tone. Herb Lovelle as Cal is good in a very small part, and Jaime Tirelli in the role of Diana’s trainer, Hector, delivers a fine, multi-layered performance. However, having read the script, no self-respecting “man” would have consented to appear in this propaganda piece. (But divesting men of their self-respect has been a goal for Feminists for over forty years now, and they’ve been largely successful.) Otherwise, the acting was uneven across-the-board. This was Rodriguez’s first role, and it sometimes showed.
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I could excoriate the artificial dialogue, the nonstop profanity, and the sloppy editing in GIRLFIGHT, but that would be like criticizing a dead dog for being lazy. Instead, let me give you one small dose of reality: Men generally possess nearly 50% more muscle mass than women, and testosterone (a steroid hormone which studies have linked to enhanced aggressiveness and increased muscle formation) is approximately thirty times more prevalent in the adult male body than it is in the adult female. (That’s 30 times, not 30%!) In other words, there are genuine physiological reasons why women trained in boxing are never going to be serious competition for men trained in boxing -- Karyn Kusama’s fantasy notwithstanding. (Don’t blame me; blame God. But your arms are too short to box with Him.) 
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Lucia Rijker is universally regarded as the best fighter in the history of female boxing; she has had 54 fights with women and won them all -- most by knockout. In earnest competition, she stepped into a ring only once with a man: In 1995, she fought Muay Thai boxer Somchai Jaidee, who was far from being a world elite fighter in the men’s competition. Rijker managed to survive the first round but in the second round, she was laid out on the canvas, unconscious for several minutes. (If she didn’t have a clue about Women Vs. Men in Boxing when she climbed into that ring, I’m sure she had one when she woke up in it!)
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What disturbs me is not that a misandrist would put her neurosis on film (wrong, Cyndi -- these days, “Girls Just Want To Be Boys”), but that anyone would tout this fiction as some kind of inspiring movie to be shown to youngsters -- THAT'S what bothers me! As if Diana Guzman represents some viable means to conflict resolution in the real world. My heart goes out to any child of a rigor mortis-brained parent who believes that “fighting” -- even in a square “ring” -- is the best way to channel aggressive behavior. 
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When my Brother (nicknamed “Napoleon”) was only about 12 years old, a professional trainer recognized that he possessed a chip on his shoulder the size of Mount Rushmore and an almost freakish, innate aptitude for fighting. This man offered to prepare my Brother for a professional boxing career. Being an Irish-American fighting in sub-Middleweight divisions, and being as proficient in physical destruction as he is, Napoleon would have made many millions of dollars as a successful boxer. But even at that young an age, he was intelligent enough to recognize the senselessness of making a living knocking other guys senseless, and so he turned down the trainer’s offer. Instead, he was able to sublimate his anger without needing to unleash it on others in any harmful form. With his fiery energy redirected into more constructive activities, he eventually grew into a very good and caring man (who could still decapitate any one of us with either fist, though he would never do so).
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That anyone would show GIRLFIGHT to a young person as motivation for anything, and would hold up this fictional character as a role model for young women to emulate in any way, is deplorable and irresponsible! GIRLFIGHT is not just a Feminist cartoon fantasy masquerading as a gritty, urban tale -- it’s a bad cartoon with bad language and a bad agenda, and that’s a bad “combination.” This crappy movie is out for the count!
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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KOZ AND (ill) EFFECT!

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[This review originally appeared at Amazon.com back... whenever it appeared there.]

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SAXOPHONIC

by Dave Koz

released: 2003

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If a person thinks that this is great Jazz, it is only beKOZ they have never listened carefully to Louis Armstrong's mournful trumpet on Moon River; Joe Morello's qwazy, quirky drumming in Take Five; Ben Webster's deeply soulful tenor sax on Bye Bye Blackbird; or Irvin Fazola's far too brief but sweetly swingin' clarinet solo in Glenn Miller's Doin' The Jive.

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A friend of mine recently loaned SAXOPHONIC by Dave Koz to me, thinking that I would like it. I won't reveal the identity of Melanie Felson because it might embarrass her, but I returned her CD with a yellow Post-It note attached saying, "Hate is not strong enough a word."

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I managed to listen through THE SOUND OF THE UNDERGROUND before deciding I would not subject myself to any more of this. Our individual karma applies the corrective measures to the transgressions in our lives as a natural consequence of cosmic law; self-flagellation is unnecessary!

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Here in the country's 5th largest megalopolis, we are devoid of high culture. Phoenicians believe that Taco Bell serves authentic ethnic cuisine, and that the library contains too many books and not enough DVDs. Our most highly esteemed artisans create those lucite-encased scorpion paperweights, and we are proud of the fact that we are the only state to feature Roadrunner on our Roadkill Menus. We don't have a LEGITIMATE Jazz station here, but there is 95.5 KYOT. (Get it? COYOTE! Only here in Phoenix are sports teams and radio stations named after scrawny, scavenging desert dogs!) If the F.C.C. ever banned Kenny G and Dave Koz from the airwaves, KYOT would be forced off-the-air.

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Comparing the muzak of Koz on SAXOPHONIC to Jazz is akin to comparing Kraft Velveeta to aged, Wisconsin cheddar; or Spam to a freshly sliced Easter ham! It's just processed, predigested, puerile puree! I can't find a single original or emotionally genuine phrase here; just mawkishness infested with synthesized drum and bass programming polished to a highly commercialized sheen, making it so slick that it slides off the CD player's spindle! This is "McJazz" at its unhealthiest.

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In the liner notes, Koz wrote, "My saxophone took me on quite a musical journey this time out -- from the sound of the underground clubs of Europe to the beats of American Hip-Hop." In other words: exactly what he thought would SELL! SELL! SELL!

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Nope, I'm not a Jazz Snob. I wouldn't deny this "music" its right to exist, nor its fans their right to listen and enjoy it. I would only hope that they would expand their musical horizons to discover more honest, heartfelt music.

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Suppose you're ready to move beyond KOZAK, but you are not sure you're ready for the challenging time signatures of a Dave Brubeck. I've got the perfect musical "bridge" for you -- The PAT METHENY GROUP! Pick up LETTER FROM HOME, STILL LIFE TALKING, or FIRST CIRCLE -- any one of these three. Trust me on this one! Put it into your car player and let it repeat over and over again for as long as it takes. 
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It may all sound alike initially, but on the day that you find yourself suddenly and unexpectedly whistling or humming the distinctive and wonderful melody of each musical piece, you'll know that you finally "got it!" Then you'll think: "Stephen T. McCarthy IS a blockhead, but he DID turn me on to some nice music!" Feel free to send yer gratitude in the form of a monetary donation to my Retirement Fund. No denomination too large!
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Cheerio, my good Brothers and Sisters. Cheerio!

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

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DON'T SLIP ON THIS ROTTEN BANANA PEEL!

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[This review was originally published at Amazon.com on Wednesday, May 18, 2005]
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INHERIT THE WIND
starring Spencer Tracy
1960
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I recently rented INHERIT THE WIND to see for myself if it was really as bad as I'd heard. It was. I am astounded to find how many reviewers have excused its massive deviation from fact under the banner of "entertainment." Has our capacity to evaluate information diminished to the point that we are no longer able to differentiate between simple entertainment and pure propaganda? When a movie presents a supposedly intellectual argument, and paints EVERY SINGLE MEMBER on one side of that argument as a buffoon maroon, but shows the other side as thoughtful, open-minded and humanitarian, you can bet the farm that you're being propagandized!
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Some reviewers have equated the movie with an indictment of the horrors of "McCarthyism". These folks have been twice-bamboozled! Obviously they don't do any independent research, but just ingest whatever gets fed to them. Click HERE if you want to learn the truth about Joseph McCarthy and "McCarthyism".
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INHERIT THE WIND pretends to portray the famous 1925 Scopes "Monkey Trial" with a little dramatic license. This movie strays SO FAR from the facts that even saying it is "based on" the actual event renders that term so elastic as to be meaningless!
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John Scopes is renamed Bert Cates (Dick York), Clarence Darrow becomes Henry Drummond (Spencer Tracy), William Jennings Bryan becomes Matthew Harrison Brady (Fredric March) and Dayton, Tennessee, becomes Hillsboro, Tennessee. The playwrights, Jerome Lawrence and Robert Lee, did not alter the names because they thought they could improve on them, but so they could legally reinvent history. The idea was to twist the truth and present it as entertainment "based on" a true story, knowing that over time, the drama will become accepted as factual by the masses. And it worked! Look how many of us grew up thinking that INHERIT THE WIND was an essentially accurate account of the "Monkey Trial."
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All of the Christians (believing in "Creationism") in the movie are portrayed as emotionally-overwrought, brain-dead bigots. Paint any other group with such a broad brush and you'll be in court for the rest of your life, but here in Amerika, it's always "open season" on Christians. Hardly sympathetic to both views, in reality, Darrow called Christianity, Bryan's "fool religion".
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Contrary to some opinions, the acting does NOT make INHERIT THE WIND worthy of your time. Fredric March and Claude Akins are mere caricatures, but they're not to be blamed as Brady and Reverend Brown were written as cartoon blowhards. Tracy's naturalistic performance is enjoyable, as usual, but Tracy was ALWAYS Tracy from film to film -- there's nothing new here. Gene Kelly was fine as the cynical, MENSA-Donkey newspaper reporter, but it was a simple part to play. The best, most sympathetic performance was actually turned in by Florence Eldridge as Mrs. Sarah Brady. Now her I believed.
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If you're interested in comparing the events portrayed in the movie INHERIT THE WIND with the REALITY of the 1925 "Monkey Trial", to see just how far the playwrights deviated from truth, click HERE and go to my guide titled "WOULD YOU LIKE TO... STOP FALLING FOR SPENCER TRACY'S MONKEY BUSINESS?" You'll be surprised -- no, SHOCKED at how seriously the movie distorted the facts in order to condition people to the dogma of Darwinism!
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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ALIEN (C)RAPTURE !

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[This review was written and published at Amazon.com in February or early March of 2005. I'm re-publishing it here today as an extra little birthday gift for Nitro Wilbury. Who's your Santa, Nitro?]
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ALIEN RAPTURE: The Chosen
by Edgar Rothschild Fourche & Brad Steiger
published: 1998
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Hokey-Smoke and Hoo-Wee, this was B-A-D!
How bad was it? It read like the screenplay of an Ed Wood movie! It could just as easily have been titled PLAN NINE AND A HALF FROM OUTER SPACE. In my entire adulthood, I have encountered only one other book this poorly written.
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In ALIEN RAPTURE by Fouche & Steiger, the characters are underdeveloped mouthpieces for the authors, with the vocabulary and verbal style of each character virtually identical. The dialogue often exists only as an excuse to relate expository information to the reader, and as such, it is stilted and unbelievable. Imagine one member of an Ultra-Top Secret Committee reminding the Committee Foreman: "SHOULDN'T WE BRING THE PRESIDENT IN ON THIS? I MEAN, PRESIDENT TRUMAN SET UP THE ORIGINAL ... COMMITTEE IN SEPTEMBER OF 1947, RIGHT AFTER THE ALIEN BODIES WERE RECOVERED FROM ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO." (--page 22)
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The book is riddled with trite phrases: "I KNOW THAT YOU MUST ALL BE WONDERING WHY I CALLED AN EMERGENCY MEETING..." (--page 20) // HE "WAS A PROFESSIONAL KILLER WITH ICE WATER IN HIS VEINS." (--page 265)
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Not to be outdone, there are typographical errors galore: "WHAT APPEARED TO BE BITS OF SKULL OF BRAIN WERE SPLATTERED ON HIS COLLAR." (--page 248) *Yeah, that skull of brain does tend to get messy, doesn't it?
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You will also enjoy the unique sentence structure and keen insight: "DOZENS OF TINY EQUIPMENT LIGHTS SPARKLED IN THE DARKNESS OF THE ROOM THEY ENTERED AS THEY STEPPED INSIDE." (--page 230) // "HE KNEW THAT HIS HANDS WERE SHAKING." (--page 2) *It goes without saying that a person knows if their hands are shaking!
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And then of course, there are multiple instances of utter nonsense: The senior member of the Government's most elite Committee bemoans the fact that he couldn't convince NBC to cancel a program on UFOs that the network intended to broadcast in order to inform the public of nefarious government coverups. Ha!-Ha! Like our mainstream media consists of renegade watchdogs looking out for the well-being of the general populace and operating beyond the reach of coercion from the highest levels of Government. Right!
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Here's my favorite: On page 28 we meet COLONEL TY TRENT, a decorated Marine Special Operations and Intelligence Officer. In chapter 16, COLONEL TY TRENT enters an office for a closed-door meeting. This meeting continues through chapter 17, but suddenly we find that Colonel Ty TRENT is being called Colonel Ty TREAT! No, I don't mean that this occurs just once. If that were the case, I would consider it a mere typographical error. No! Throughout chapter 17 the Colonel is named TREAT! Thereafter, he resumes his original name, TRENT. In other words, for an entire chapter, the author forgot the name of his character. And nobody caught this in proofreading? INCREDIBLE! That's how much care and thought went into ALIEN (C)RAPTURE.
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I won't say that the book is entirely devoid of truth, but the conclusion that it draws is not only in error, but downright dangerous to accept. If you are the least bit inclined to embrace the dubious analysis presented here, then I strongly urge you to first read ALIEN ENCOUNTERS by Chuck Missler, ENCOUNTERS WITH UFOs by Weldon & Levitt, and ALIEN INTERVENTION by Paul Christopher.
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Before ordering ALIEN RAPTURE from Amazon.com, I read all of the negative reviews, but being the Idiot from my Village, I ignored them and bought it anyway. Don't be as big a fool as I was.
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In his Foreword to this book, Brad Steiger wrote: "ALIEN RAPTURE is presenting many facts with a little fiction to protect the guilty and shield the innocent." If Mr. Steiger had REALLY wanted to "shield the innocent" (that's you and me), he wouldn't have published this mess in the first place!
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Sincerely,
Stephen T. McCartney
(Oh, McCarthy, McCartney -- what does it matter? Like Colonel TREAT, I was close enough!)
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ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A BRAINWASHED AMERICAN?

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GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
directed by George Clooney; starring David Strathairn
2005
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George Clooney’s GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK is a beautiful looking movie. It employs sharp, aesthetically appropriate black and white photography in order to capture the 1950s black and white television era, and to imaginatively incorporate period footage of Senator Joseph McCarthy and people related to the events for which he was famous. The cinematography and editing is first-rate, a real feast for the eyes, and I enjoyed the Ella-esque mid-century Jazz score.
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Clooney’s movie is essentially a hagiography of the nearly humorless newsman EDWARD R. MURROW, played so woodenly by David Strathairn as to make Pinocchio seem like Gumby by comparison. (It may have been an accurate portrayal of his personality, but it doesn’t exactly make for captivating viewing.) There were a couple of nice performances in the movie, most notable is Frank Langella in the role of William Paley -- he had some real charisma.
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Speaking strictly visually, the movie’s a winner. But GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK opens in 1958 at a banquet given to honor the television news commentator, MURROW. (It’s one of those types of affairs that my dear departed friend, Marty, once referred to as “a bunch of assholes patting themselves on the back.”) Of the many singularly wondrous works of Murrow that we’re informed of, one is that “He threw stones at giants ... not the least of which, his historical fight with Senator McCarthy.”
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So, Murrow was David versus Goliath, eh? As McCarthy’s chief counsel, Roy Cohn, wrote in his fine book, McCARTHY: “All we had against us was the White House, the administration, the Democratic party, and the Republican party.” Wanna talk David and Goliath? So, enough about the movie’s artistic attributes, let’s talk FACTS since this is a one-sided demagogic attack on the dead Senator who was himself often labeled a demagogue by the print and broadcast media:
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Our 1958 honoree tells his audience we need to get off our collective rear end and “recognize that television in the main is being used to distract, delude, amuse and insulate us.” Well, guess what. It was, and still is! And so are magazines and movies ... just like THIS one. GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK (GN&GL) is simply more of Hollywood’s Socialistic brainwashing of Americonned citizens. (We are told in this movie that in the 1950s, Kent cigarettes filtered best; Liberace was giving thought to marriage; and McCarthy was slandering completely innocent people and ruining their reputations and their lives. Each one of those statements is only as true as the next.)
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GN&GL touches on the most famous moments in the McCarthy “Communist Hunt.” (He was looking for Communists who had infiltrated sensitive departments of our government and who were being protected from exposure and removal by highly-placed government officials. Contrary to popular belief, he was NOT hunting witches.) But unless the viewer is familiar with the history, he or she will not likely grasp the relevance of certain details.
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Murrow insists that “ninety-nine percent of the time”, McCarthy is wrong about the people he names as being security risks. Do you know what became of the 110 people in the State Department whom McCarthy named before the Tydings Committee -- but did not name publicly -- as possible security risks? (Pardon me, I forgot that you’re an Americonned citizen. Here’s an easer question for you: Who got kicked off SURVIVOR last week?) Well, 81 of those people were eventually dismissed or resigned from government service due to their Communist affiliations. Mr. Murrow, that’s nearly 74% proven right, not 99% wrong! (And here I thought I was bad at math.)
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Watching GN&GL, the Americonned viewer will come away with the idea that the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) was falsely accused by McCarthy of being a subversive Communist front organization. Yes, the same ACLU founded by Roger Baldwin, who served as its executive director for 30 years, and who wrote 12 years after founding the organization: “I seek the social ownership of property, the abolition of the propertied class and sole control of those who produce wealth. Communism is the goal.” (Book: THE ACLU VS. AMERICA) You may not have known this fact, but I’ll bet you know who won the last American Idol competition.
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In one scene, we see McCarthy’s Investigating Committee questioning the poor, old Black woman, ANNIE LEE MOSS, who was employed in the Pentagon’s Code Room. She denies ever having been a dues-paying Communist party member. The Great Murrow makes a heroine of the poor beleaguered woman, insisting that it’s a case of mistaken identity and irresponsible McCarthy charges. What you WON’T learn in GN&GL is that it was later proven using the Communist party’s own records that THIS “persecuted” woman (who lived on R Street in Washington D.C.) had indeed been a dues-paying Communist. Yes! Watch GN&GL, watch her lie, and watch Team Murrow defend her!
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The scene that nearly made me laugh out loud has Team Murrow fretting, anxiously awaiting with bated breath the morning edition of the New York Times to see whether or not their television attack on McCarthy the night before will meet with the approval of the ultra-liberal but influential newspaper. Yes, the stridently anti-McCarthy New York Times -– THAT newspaper. That’s fairly analogous to tossing a bag of T-bone steaks into a kennel and then worrying that the dogs might resent it!
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But what of EDWARD R. MURROW? Along with William Paley, he was a member of the COUNCIL ON FOREIGN RELATIONS (CFR), an organization whose principal founder, Edward Mandell House, wrote that he essentially favored “Socialism as dreamed of by Karl Marx.” House further wrote, “For a long time it had seemed to me that our government was too complicated in its machinery and that we had outgrown our Constitution.” (Book: PHILIP DRU: ADMINISTRATOR) According to 16-year CFR member, U.S. Navy Rear Admiral Chester Ward, the primary goal of the CFR is “to bring about the surrender of the sovereignty and national independence of the United States ... to a one-world all-powerful global government.” This will be global, totalitarian Socialism. (Book: KISSINGER ON THE COUCH) Today, the CFR even offers an “Edward R. Murrow Fellowship Award” and the Time-Warner company, distributor of GN&GL, happens to be a CFR corporate member.
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What did MURROW do besides fight McCarthy’s attempts to expose Communists hidden in our government? He defended J. Robert Oppenheimer who was fired as a security risk after it was shown that he had lied about his significant monetary donations to the Communist party. MURROW produced a highly complimentary “documentary” on Fidel Castro which aided the Communist dictator in his coming to power in Cuba. MURROW was an ardent defender of convicted Soviet agent Alger Hiss, and of Owen Lattimore, determined by the Senate Internal Security Subcommittee to have been “a conscious articulate agent of the Soviet conspiracy.” MURROW also was a board member of the Institute of International Education, which encouraged young American school teachers to train at the University of Moscow. (Book: NONE DARE CALL IT TREASON: 25 YEARS LATER) Of course, you Americonned citizens wouldn’t know any of this because you’ve been busy watching C.S.I. Miami.
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Shakespeare’s Juliet said, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet.” Well, if it looks like a red rose, smells like a red rose, and is growing amongst red roses, I don’t care if it’s called a “courageous newsman” or a David who “threw stones at giants”, I say it’s a red rose. (And I gotta believe that GN&GL’s writer / director is planted in that same damned garden!) I’ve seen raw meat less “red” than Edward R. Murrow was.
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If you wish to wake up and throw off the shackles that have brainwashed you about Senator Joseph McCarthy, read James J. Drummey's excellent overview of McCarthy's political career, 'The Real McCarthy Record', by clicking HERE. If, on the other hand, you wish to remain an Americonned citizen, then just go back to your episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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DOESN’T CUT THE MUSTARD!

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[As I recall, I originally posted this review on Christmas Eve in 2005 or 2006. Remember that, you'll need it later.]
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MXZ POCKET SAW
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The MXZ SAW is advertised as “The Only Saw You Will Use To Cut Everything You Can Think Of.” To the advertising “genius” who dreamed up that slogan, I have THIS to say: “CUT THE CRAP!” This thing is so useless that I’ll bet the feds would let you carry it onto an airplane!
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My Brother, Napoleon, recently purchased the MXZ SAW because he has a thang for mechanical gadgets and because he’s one of those suckers “born every minute.” Well, immediately that sucker “saw” that he’d been snookered by this saw. He showed it to me, and after experimenting with it briefly, I realized quickly that the MXZ SAW is so ineffective that it certainly will NOT “cut everything you can think of”. For example:
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It couldn’t cut in line.
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It couldn’t cut into your action.
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It couldn’t even cut the cheese!
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It’s not as sharp as a sharp-dressed man.
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It couldn’t cut the deck at a poker tournament.
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A drug dealer couldn’t use it to cut his cocaine.
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Gaylord Perry couldn’t use it to doctor a baseball.
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It’s not as sharp as your village idiot.
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Santa Claus couldn’t use it to cut down on his Christmas list.
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It couldn’t cut hard water.
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Heck, you can’t even use it to cut corners!
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In all seriousness, the MXZ SAW went through a cardboard box easily enough, but any reasonably sharp knife would have done just as well. I tried it out on a wooden mop handle -- after all, Napoleon and I are bachelors, what need do we have for a mop? It was effective, but a wood saw would have done the same in maybe half the time.
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I had less success on a metal chain link and an aluminum curtain rod. (Well, I thought it was too dark in Napoleon’s bedroom with that curtain up anyway.) After much back-n-forth action, the MXZ SAW did manage to make slight indentations in the chain link and curtain rod. But so what? Given enough time, drops of water will eventually wear down a river rock, too! I probably could have sawn through those metal objects if I'd been willing to keep sawing until Christmas Eve 2007. My bolt cutter, however, would have gone through them both in under two seconds.
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The good news is that you could probably let your little boy play with the MXZ SAW because I don’t think it poses any genuine threat to “snails and puppy dog tails”. And while a person probably could use this saw to commit suicide, unless that person was extremely young, chances are they would die of natural causes before the deed was done.
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I’d say that what you really have here is the world’s largest nail file. And speaking of “file”, someone probably should file a lawsuit against this company for misleading advertising. I’m sorry, but I can’t even cut the MXZ SAW a little slack using the MXZ SAW.
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Well, listen, I’m going to cut this review short now (with my Ginsu knife), and simply suggest that you get yourself a wood saw and bolt cutter and forget about the MXZ SAW. We threw ours into the trash because it just doesn't cut it!
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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FROM "GENIUS" TO "LIBTARD" TO "KING" IN 31 REVIEWS

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Yesterday, I posted a blog bit in which I reviewed and graded an Amazon.com reviewer: Five Stars For The Girl In Wyoming! 

So, today, I thought it might be fun to post a blog bit in which other folks review and grade ME. Following are genuine, authentic quotes -- things that people have said to me, or about me, over the decades. There's something here for everyone who likes me... and hates me. Ha! I hope you enjoy reading the praise and the condemnation that follows:
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STMcC, circa... long, long ago.

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STEPHEN T. McCARTHY
starring Stephen T. McCarthy
established: 1959
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INTERESTS:
Pretty girls with painted eyes, bearing boysenberry pies; Lovely maidens in scanty black dresses who don't spend hours preparing their tresses; Gorgeous, wealthy widows who lie awake and sigh, and who wouldn't mind keeping a man such as I.
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Average grade of STEPHEN T. McCARTHY is 3 out of a possible 5 Stars based on the following 30+1 reviews:

1)   
It's a boy!
~ Dr. Donald H., UCLA Medical Center physician - 1959

2)    
Stephen, your drawings were bad.
~ Steve K., schoolmate - 1974

3)    
I think you're a creative genius.
~ Gary B., M*A*S*H television series star - 1979

4)    
Best boy I ever had.
~ George, Stephen's dog - 1967 to 1981

5)    
I heard about the probability of your committing suicide before twenty-four. ...I wanted to know you. I wanted to get a little crack as to what was swarming in your mind -- unlock it. I thought you were beautiful.
~ Terrill M., friend - 1982

6)    
A man aware of the universe he creates.
~ Dan K., friend - 1984

7)    
One hell of a good human being (for an Irish filly-wagget).
~ Dean S., friend - circa 1988

8)     
Have you noticed how passionate you get about things? ...almost obsessed? ...I will diagnose you as having obsessive-compulsive tendencies.
~ Dr. Amy E., psychologist - 1989

9)     
You sweet ol' bilge rat!
~ Kathleen M., friend - circa 1990

10)     
A formerly intense individual. It seems you are a far cry from that Stephen T. McCarthy who objected to drinking like a gentleman in Boston. But, hey, we are all different Stephen T. McCarthys now, ain't we?
~ Mike L., ex-drinking buddy - 1993

11)    
A son who not only improves the family character, but who IS the family character.
~ Shirley M., Stephen's Mother - 1994

12)    
You cowboy S.O.B.
~ Lonnie M., friend - 1996

13)   
Stephen, who's going to ask me all those thought-provoking questions when you're gone? ...Call me!
~ Lorna, former coworker -  1996

14)    
Stephen is cool and nice. ...Thanks personally for letting me, Shelby and Leanne play around your house.
~ Sarah, 12-year-old neighbor -  2004

15)    
Just because McCarthy can edit and criticize doesn't mean he can comprehend or spell moron.
~ Doc S., Amazon.com reviewer - 2004

16)   
I'd like you... you are weird.
~ Tracey F., Amazon.com reviewer - 2005

17)    
Stephen, I miss you in my life. I almost feel like I gave my soul away.
~ Dr. Amy E., psychologist - 2007

18)     
Stephen, the difficulty I’m experiencing is that you … believe, so strongly, that you know the “real truth”, that an open discussion doesn’t seem possible or pleasant. Given that, I’m not going to defend or explain my opinions and beliefs to you.
~ Dr. Amy E., psychologist - 2008

19)     
There's only two people who ever got me to crack open a Bible, and you're one of them.
~ SigToo, friend - 2008

20)     
In a battle, you'd be the first guy I'd pick for my team, because you are really loyal to your friends, and you NEVER give up.
~ Sheboyganboy Six, friend - 2009

21)     
The Lord used you more than just a little bit to bring me back into the fold of fellowship with Him.
~ David W. P., friend - 2010

22)     
You've got classy, upscale anger. The kind that gets people kicked out of 5-star dive bars.
~ Bryan P., friend - 2015

23)    
Leftist says what?
~ R.B.W., Internet commenter - 2016

24)   
Hillary needs to get better trolls.
~ Asawasa, Internet commenter - 2016

25)   
Libtard
~ L.F., Internet commenter - 2016

26)    
I miss you.
~ Sherrie M., Sister - 2016

27)     
I miss the wine.
Tu eres mi hermano.
~ Nappy M., Brother - 2016

28)     
Damn, you are some kind of fun to read. Lol
~ WI1H, Internet commenter - 2016

29)    
Rolly... WTF is happening in this conversation?? :)) This D-FensDogG guy is either a fucking genius comedian or the most obvious shill of all time.
~ It Is Not Paranoia, Internet commenter - 2016

30)    
Your life has been full of bad choices, huh? Southern white trash with no education. Do you flip burgers, make meth, or did you enlist?
~ Kyler P., Internet commenter - 2017

30) 
You are a guru.
~ Steve B., coworker - 2017

31)    
The King of hostility and actual name-calling.
~ Andrew Leon, Internet Idiot - 2017
..
~ Stephen T. McCarthy
(aka D-FensDogG)
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