Downtown Los Angeles, circa 1983

Downtown Los Angeles, circa 1983
STMcC in downtown Los Angeles, circa 1983

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

ROMANCE MADE EASY! (Too Easy?)

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A THOUSAND KISSES DEEP
Chris Botti
2003

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Count me in with those people who feel that in the last 20 years talent in the arts has greatly waned. Most movies serve as nothing more than frameworks on which to hang anesthetizing displays of outrageous violence by spiritually and morally dead directors, or computer-generated special effects by self-infatuated, downloadable electro-geeks.

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"Music" is now the domain of inked-up, hole-punched, fabricated angst-spewing White college rejects armed with two or three chords and weenie whiny voices. (Ya gotta love them nonconformists! And they're so easy to spot because they all look alike.) Or their young Black counterparts, the monobeat, sideways baseball cap and tank top undershirt-wearing, boom box-blasting inner city youths rhyming rage at "the man" who denies them the jobs they weren't qualified for and never wanted in the first place. (Didja get all that? Or shall I run it by ya one mo' time?)
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And today's writers? Right! Like anybody'll be reading that stuff fifty years from now.
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So, ya gotta understand my skepticism when Friend Melanie gave me an "Aught" recording; in this case, "Aught three". (That's 2003 for my slower readers.) That was "Strike one!" It was called 'A Thousand Kisses Deep' -- Ugh! "Strike two!" And the performer was a young man with blonde hair and frosted highlights -- "Strike three! You're out!"
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Aww... but since Melanie is a good friend of mine, I humored her by accepting it with a lopsided grin and the promise to listen with an open mind. (SLAM! BANG! CLICK! BOLT! BAR! and the rattling of a heavy chain and reinforced padlock, with the incessant ambulating of a particularly agitated junkyard dog just inside the entrance. There! That oughta keep the frosted girlie-men outta here.)
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Late one night some time later, nuttin' to do. A little music might be nice. What we got here? Oh yeah, Felony Melanie's CHRIS BOTTI bit -- 'A THOUSAND KISSES DEEP'. OK, I'll spin it once, kiss it goodbye and deep-six it. That's what I thought.

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Next thing I know, I've recovered from my reverie to find that I'm bare-chested in the darkened room with the fireplace aglow, two glasses of fine Cabernet Sauvignon glinting like rubies on the hearth, and my best shirt ripped and lying in the corner. WHAT  THE  HELEN  A.  HANDBASKET  HAPPENED  HERE?!
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Forty-five minutes and forty-five seconds of some of the most sensual, romantic "make out" music ever digitally encoded onto a silver-colored disc is what had happened here! The frosted dude with the lusty trumpet took me and my imaginary dreamboat on a late night moonlit canoe ride up a liquid lover's lane. It's a good thing I hadn't programmed the disc to repeat because I might have been taken advantage of by my imagination. As it was, I barely escaped with my innocence intact. Is this the greatest seduction set of music ever recorded? Quite possibly! Every copy should come with a package of those little water balloons. Either that or a Bible.
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Make no mistake about it, Chris Botti is not just another "Artist of the Aughts" -- that is: fully styled but suffering from NDT (No Discernable Talent). No sir, he knows his way around that trumpet, and on 'A Thousand Kisses Deep' he sets a relaxed, romantically-infused mood from the opening track, (link:] 'Indian Summer', and with flirting phrases, trance-inducing tones, gentle aural gyrations and stabbing rhythms he carries it to its sweet and soft conclusion. T
here's nothing at all really "dirty" about 'A Thousand Kisses Deep', that's all in your mind.
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Even so, every would-be Romeo or Casanova really should have a copy of this album stashed between the candles and the crystal glasses. But be careful how you use it, and who you use it on; this could spell deep trouble -- a thousand kisses deep... and then come the cats, a white picket fence and monthly payments on a soccer mom vehicle and three brats. Again, just be careful!
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OK, I've got the perfect mood music, the wine, the candles and the fireplace. Now the only thing I need to find is a girlfriend. Anybody seen one?
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Oh, never mind. I think maybe I'd better just go read my Bible.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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8 comments:

  1. Thanks for the tip on Chris Botti, Reno! You do know the best things in life are worth waiting for? ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Worth waiting for"?!

      Dang! Somewhere along the way, I was brainwashed into believing that the best things in life are FREE! No one ever said anything to me about having to wait.

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
  2. "a late moonlit canoe ride up a liquid lover's lane": LOVE THAT LINE!!! Very nicely done there. You've certainly painted a very sensual picture of Chris Botti's A Thousand Kisses Deep album...so much so that I'm definitely inclined to check it out sooner than later.
    Wine: check. Candles: check. Fireplace: well, if it wasn't so hot, maybe...

    Michele at Angels Bark

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Thanks so much, MICHELE! Knowing that you really like "Smooth Jazz", I think this is a can't-miss album for you.

      This is one I can put on "Repeat" mode and just let it play through 3 or 4 times without ever tiring of it. And it really is quite sensual music. If I'd had this album in my arsenal in my early and mid twenties, I would have been more successful with the ladies. :o)

      ~ D-FensDogG
      Check out my new blog @
      (Link:] Stephen T. McCarthy Reviews...

      Delete
  3. Stephen, you absolutely cracked me up with this review! I'm gonna have to check out this steamy number. I don't have a girlfriend but I do have a husband, which works out pretty well for me. lol I had to chuckle with your opening comment "Ya gotta love them nonconformists! And they're so easy to spot because they all look alike." We talk about this all the time, they whine about being their own person and yet they are carbon copies of their peers. Where's the sense in that? Oh well....thanks for making me laugh and for the glowing review of A Thousand Kisses Deep. Now to go listen to it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CATHY ~
      I'm very pleased that you liked this review so much. Back when I was writing reviews, it was fun for me to see what kind of original approach I could come up with for each product. I didn't want it to be just writing, but "creative writing". So many of those Amazon reviews were like: "This is a great album i think everone should haveit." (UGH!)

      Ha! Yeah, "nonconformists"... Sheesh! Get a clue, people. A little objective self-evaluation might be in order.

      Cathy, here's one of my favorite memes that I ever created, and I think you'll get a kick out of it:

      (Link:] NONCONFORMISTS

      ~ D-FensDogG
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  4. Oh, the irony. I've already got the gal... but she doesn't like this kind of music at all. Meanwhile, I love Chris Botti. I guess the only one I'll be romancing with this album is myself.

    And today's writers? Right! Like anybody'll be reading that stuff fifty years from now.

    50 years from now, I can only hope that someone is using my book as a booster seat while they watch another rousing episode of "OW! My balls".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 6-B ~

      >>... I guess the only one I'll be romancing with this album is myself.

      The ONLY reason I can listen to 'A Thousand Kisses Deep' without abusing myself is because... I'm a
      (Link:] CONFIDENT Heterosexual. And if I abused myself, that would be male on male. Therefore, I'd be gay, right?

      This sexuality stuffs can get kind of confusing. And more so every day... no thanks to Barack and Michael.

      You'll be lucky if only 5 years from now your books are being used as booster seats for kids watching 'OW! MY BALLS!'. (I need to buy that movie on DVD, Beer Bro! Hilarious and Truly Frightening at the same time!)

      Question: Will 'MUDDY' be read and cherished 50 years from now?
      Magic 8-Ball: "Cannot predict now".


      I 'spose he wants us to ask him again 50 years from now.

      ~ D-FensDogG
      Check out my new blog @
      (Link:] Stephen T. McCarthy Reviews...

      Delete

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