BASICALLY WORTH UP TO $3. IF IT’S FOR A CUTE CHEERLEADER

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BASIC FOOTBALL
narrated by Burt Reynolds
released: 1994
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The day after Superbowl XLI, I received an E-mail from my friend PAL AMY. She wrote: “Go, Colts! I was actually excited. ... I watched the game far more than I thought I would. Of course, I still didn’t have the slightest idea what was going on most of the time -- even with the color commentary.”
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Today, in my grocery store, I passed a large bin filled with cheesy DVDs selling for one dollar each, but sitting right on top, and catching my eye, was BASIC FOOTBALL, narrated by BURT REYNOLDS. (A lot of people don’t realize that Burt was a rather accomplished Runningback for the Florida State Seminoles in the mid-1950s.) Pictured on the cover was Burt in his Mean Machine jersey from the original 'THE LONGEST YARD' (1974) -- the best football movie ever. I thought: How bad could this DVD be? And: So what if I lose a buck? It’s not like losing a fumble!
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Well, turns out it ain’t TOO bad. Ain’t too good either. I’d say it’s a stalemate at the fifty yard line. It promises that it... “Explains the game in a fast-paced, funny and very entertaining way. … Using state-of-the-art graphics and animation, football clips and story-like segments, BASIC FOOTBALL will turn any football novice into an educated game-loving fan in less than an hour. Men and women of all ages will love BASIC FOOTBALL!” Fast-paced? Yep. Funny? Oh, there are a few amusing moments, and Burt delivers a couple of good lines. State-of-the-art graphics? Fifteen yard penalty for “roughing the truth”. Men and women of all ages will love it? Well, Pal Amy is a woman, but NOT of “all ages.” (Somewhere between “Old enough to know better” and “Young enough to do it anyway.”) I’ll let ya know what kind of feedback I get from her.
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Will BASIC FOOTBALL turn you into an “educated” fan? Hardly. When it says “Basic”, it means the most rudimentary aspects of the game. But you WILL know enough to be able to comprehend the gridiron skirmish and actually enjoy a game on the tube. There is an awful lot of football knowledge left out of this 40-minute program that I would still consider basic. For example, you will not learn what the “Red Zone” is. You won’t learn the meanings of the terms “Play-Action Pass”; “Quarterback Option”; “Quarterback Sneak”; or “Onside Kick”. You’ll see, but not hear, what a “Lateral” is. Same with “Scrambling”. You won’t learn where a “Nose Tackle” is situated on the line of scrimmage. But yes, in just a little over half an hour, you’ll understand the “BASIC” action on the field of play. Football will no longer look like just a bunch of big pigs falling on a pigskin.
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The clips from the college and NFL games used to illustrate certain points are old and the image transfers are grainy. The sound isn’t great, and the scenarios (most quite goofy) utilize amateur or inexperienced actors and actresses who can be embarrassing to watch at times. (You know, the exaggerated facial expressions and vocal inflections. Think Infomercial “actors.”)
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{*2017 Update: Better yet, think "Government Crisis Actors".}
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Yet still, there is some value in seeing a concept presented in live action, as opposed to merely printed on a page. And a couple of the segments are a bit clever in the way they get the information across. Notably, the Field Goal Kicker and Punter “Inquisition”, where these players must justify their inclusion on the team to three overbearing women who don’t understand the game. Pretty funny since kickers have always been the “odd men out” on every NFL team. I enjoyed the Oprah Winfrey spoof with the Offensive Linemen, too. And you’ll learn how important these most unsung players are to the success of a team. (Something the Airheadzona Cardinals organization still hasn’t figured out in 19 years.)
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BASIC FOOTBALL treats the viewer to that scene in 'THE LONGEST YARD' where Burt Reynolds drops back to pass and Bogdansky (the great Ray Nitschke) catches the football in the ... uhm ... that place where you don’t want to catch a football. After which he suffers from a highly illegal Mean Machine dog pile. And there’s a quick shot of that classic moment in Superbowl VII (1973), when after recovering his blocked field goal attempt, Miami Dolphins (this reviewer’s team of choice) kicker, Garo Yepremian, attempts a pass. Ha! I once saw an intoxicated Sailor on a 3-day AWOL binge in a strip joint make a better pass at a one-armed Go-Go Dancer.
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The one REALLY egregious moment in this DVD comes during the DEFENSIVE FOOTBALL 101 class, when the (not-so-heterosexual-looking) instructor informs his swooning female students that, “Mostly it’s the Defensive Line who blocks the Offensive Line”. Well, one of us has that very wrong. And something tells me that while I was playing the game of football, this instructor was leading an “alternative” team: the cheerleading team.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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