AVOCADO: IT'S NOT JUST ANOTHER CALIFORNIA "FRUIT"

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[Review written and published at
Amazon.com on October 1, 2005]
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AVOCADOS
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The [link:> Hass Variety From California Preferred
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I found myself with a little spare time and decided to write an Amazon review. Ah, but what to apply my computer keyboard to? Certainly it needed to be important -- something with social relevance, and worthy of my time. Plato's 'REPUBLIC'? Nah, too old.
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'THE ANTI-FEDERALIST PAPERS AND THE CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION DEBATES'? Too stuffy.
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G. Edward Griffin's 'THE CREATURE FROM JEKYLL ISLAND: A SECOND LOOK AT THE FEDERAL RESERVE'? Too depressing.
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'THE VARIETIES OF RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE' by William James? Nah, too remote for "Six-Pack" Sam and "Max Factor" Mary.
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And then, just as I was salting my avocado, I hit upon the porridge that was "just right". Why, avocados of course! The answer was right there under my nose all along. "Why not share with your Amazon pals 'The Southern California Experience'?" I asked myself. "There is nothing in which you have more expertise." And when I failed to find an adequate reBUTTal, I planted mine on the chair and clicked the "Write A Review" button.
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Say the name "California" and immediately "nuts" and "fruits" come to mind. After all, California produces 40% of America's produce. And yet, one rarely thinks specifically of that most delectable California fruit: the avocado.
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The old joke is that "When California sneezes, the rest of the country catches a cold." But when we're talking avocados, it's no joking matter to me -- this is SERIOUS business! I fear, however, that some may not approach this matter with sufficient solemnity. And granted, my attitude in the past may be partially responsible.
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In the 2005, April 25 issue of Time magazine -- that paragon of nonpartisan journalism published by the C.F.R. corporate sponsor AOL Time-Warner Inc. -- the cover story featured Ann Coulter. She revealed in the interview that when her editor suggests cutting a line from a column to save space, she asks him, "But is it funny?" And if he says it is, she'll cut an actual fact instead.
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Now, in some respects, Ann Coulter and I are quite dissimilar. For instance, she is more liberal and politically diplomatic than I am, while being physically less attractive and less muscular. However, we both appear to be slaves to our own sense of humor. Perhaps I occasionally say or write something I ought not, but if it strikes me as funny, I "out with it" anyway. And I feel that because of my brand of humor, I am often misunderstood by those who march to a drummer who keeps a steady, though unadventurous 4/4 beat. You see, the "drummer" in my head -- when he's not trying to sell me some trinket I don't need -- keeps a rather quirky, irregular time. But if you'll take me seriously for once, I'll take you on a No-Expenses-Paid vacation to Southern California. Having been born and "razed" there, I'm the best tour guide you'll find... (at this price!)
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Here's what you'll need:
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1) One copy of Bruce Brown's seminal surfing flick 'THE ENDLESS SUMMER' (1966).
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2) One copy of any Beach Boys album, but preferably the anthology 'ENDLESS SUMMER'. (You can substitute 'MORRISON HOTEL' or 'L.A. WOMAN' by The Doors if you require a slightly harder edge, but I recommend you go the traditional route.)
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3) One bottle of California's BEAULIEU VINEYARD "Rutherford" Cabernet Sauvignon. You can substitute SIERRA NEVADA Pale Ale, brewed in Chico, California, if you prefer to quaff liquid cereal than liquid grapes.
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4) Two slices of WHITE TOAST.
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5) Two pats of butter.
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6) One CALIFORNIA HASS AVOCADO, as pictured above. It should be HASS -- identifiable by its very bumpy, thick, almost leather-like skin.
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7) One shaker of salt (which one should keep handy anyway whilst reading Stephen T. McCarthy).
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Here's what you do: A) Put on the surfing movie and turn the sound DOWN. B) Put on the Beach Boys music and turn the sound UP. C) Occasionally sip your liquid California grapes or liquid California cereal, while you...
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* Spread the butter on the toast while it's hot, so the butter melts.
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* With a round-tipped dinner knife (a pointed steak knife will only "butcher" the project) cut into the ripe (!) avocado at its tapered end, and cut around the fruit (or guide the avocado around the knife's blade) to create two equal halves. Pull them apart.
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* Carefully cut around the inner seed and gently pry it out of the avocado's center.
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* Insert the knife carefully and deeply just between the flesh and the avocado's shell and gently saw through the flesh while slowly rotating the fruit around the knife. Make two revolutions to be thorough, and then use the knife to pry the inside flesh out of the outer shell and onto a piece of toast. If you did it properly, you should have the flesh of half of an avocado in one piece, sitting on the toast.
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* Now slice the avocado up into multiple segments and mush it all together until the top of the toast is entirely covered.  (It should look something like guacamole on toast.)
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* Finally, salt the top very, VERY generously, and eat.
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* Repeat the process for the second piece of toast.
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You are now as close to being a genuine, dyed-in-the-wool, Old School Californian as any outsider can ever hope to be.
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This delicacy which you have just enjoyed is a McCARTHY FAMILY TRADITION, which I grew up savoring. I got it from my Pa who got it from his Pa who got it from... who knows where?
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1) I have yet to meet anyone outside of the McCarthy Family who had eaten avocado in THIS particular manner.
2) I have yet to meet anyone who didn't imagine it to be unappetizing when described.
3) I have yet to meet anyone who hasn't loved it after finally giving it a try. (Key: Again, lots of salt!)
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I freely admit that I'd find ideologically abhorrent the ordering of California avocados from New York. And the current $2.99 price tag would only add injury to insult. That's like getting "Californicated" by a New Yorker! Back when I was growing up in the "Dogtown" section of Los Angeles, we often pulled 'em right off the trees which were growing EVERYWHERE. Got 'em free from God! But if your only choices are California avocados from New York at $2.99 apiece, or no avocados from anywhere at any price... get "Californicated".
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If I were scheduled to be executed (and someday I probably will be), AVOCADO  ON  TOAST would be my "last supper" request. And hopefully they'd have to order the avocados from New York while I'm imprisoned in some Scandinavian country. (More time to make good my escape, ya un'erstan'.)
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In closing, I'll suggest the same thing to you that the four-time national surfing champion, Yoey O'Dogherty, once suggested to me in 1977 while we were "hanging ten" on a nine foot wave in sunny Malibu, California: "Dude, like, let's go get some avocados, man!"
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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