Downtown Los Angeles, circa 1983

Downtown Los Angeles, circa 1983
STMcC in downtown Los Angeles, circa 1983

Sunday, April 2, 2017

I LIKE A SPICY CUBAN DISH (In A Little Black Dress)

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[FUN FACT: In the 5 years I spent reviewing products at Amazon.com, of the 199 reviews I posted -- including topics such as Senator Joe McCarthy, Darwinism, Creationism, Feminism, Communism, Religion, and Liberal Politics -- the one review that received the most negative feedback was THIS one. Why? I dunno. I think they were screaming at me about objectifying women or something. But it got so screechy in that comment section that even my dear friend Amy, the "Flying Aardvark", one of the sweetest, least confrontational persons I've ever met, posted a comment in defense of me. My major crime follows, so read on...]
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Buena Vista Social Club Presents
IBRAHIM FERRER
1999
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(I first became conscious of the strange phenomenon when I was about 15 years old: I ordered something to eat in a little fast food Mexican joint on Venice Boulevard in West Los Angeles. Unbeknownst to the young Latinas working behind the counter, the very next person to place his order was my Pa, and when he joined me at a table afterwards, he related to me how one girl said to her co-worker after I walked away, “That guy was cute,” and the other agreed.)
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Good Friend Melanie gave me the IBRAHIM FERRER album of Cuban Jazz as a gift the Christmas before last. (I had mentioned beforehand to her that I have more music than time to hear it, but she listened to me about like men listen to women. No one’s to blame for the communication disconnect between the genders, really, because we have such disparate origins: A woman is from Venus and a man is from a woman’s “Monologue.”)
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(Including my ENTIRE life, I can count on two fingers how many White, Black, or Asian women have had me and the “Mystery Dance” occupying the same thought in their mind. But Hispanic women have always found me to be irresistible, and I don’t know why. I am a very ordinary looking but extremely analytical individual who tends to mentally dissect everything in order to comprehend why and how such and such is so. But I’ve yet to concoct even the most rudimentary theory to explain the Latin woman’s attraction to me.)
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I almost gave up on the IBRAHIM FERRER recording because I just couldn’t seem to warm up to it for the longest time. At one point, I considered posting a Two-Star review on the BigBitch.com website which I thought to title, "I'll Have The Number Three Combination Plate And A Margarita, Please." The music just made me feel like I was sitting in a booth at a Mexican restaurant. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”, but tunes for home listening? And since Good Friend Melanie wasn’t too crazy about 'Bright Size Life' -- the Pat Metheny disc I had given to her -- we even considered trading, and each of us keeping the item we had purchased.
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(The brilliant and world-renowned South American sociologist, Yoey O’Dogherty, once observed that, “Hispanic women are especially drawn to the warm magnetism of masculine intensity, just as conversely, snowmen are drawn to frigid climates.” And in my youth I was sometimes known by the nickname, “Mister Intense.” Perhaps this accounts for why Latinas are so susceptible to the energy of my aura?)
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I finally decided that I would play nothing but IBRAHIM FERRER whenever I was writing on my computer until either my ears became educated enough to enjoy it, or until I could stand it no longer and gave it away to Lupe, the waitress at Abuelo’s Mexican Food Embassy who always gives me extra guacamole and a wink.
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(You know how women can give men “the once over” without tipping their hand to the guys, while men just ogle openly? Well, these spicy Hispanic gals sometimes lose their highly refined skills around me, unable to extinguish the hungry flames in their orbs. Even at my advanced age of 47, wearing spectacles, and with plenty of grey cohabitating with the brown on my scalp and in my goatee, I still sometimes catch ‘em eyeing me.)
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Well, to my great surprise, I not only eventually came to differentiate between all of these melodies, but came to embrace them as if they were part of my own culture. The tremendous blasts of brass; the lively, intricate percussion work; the sparse but soulful guitar touches of Ry Cooder; and the emotional and romantic Spanish vocals really move me... and they make my writing move, too. I’ve found that IBRAHIM FERRER puts some added zest into my words -- really gets the creative juices flowing. (Can’t you tell?) Because of its dancing rhythms, it’s become maybe my very favorite disc to play as background music while writing anything.
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(I once had a sweet and shy Mexican girl tell me about a week before her wedding that all along it was me she had been hoping to catch. And less than twelve months ago, this 18-year-old hot Hispanic thang let it be known that she was interested in me. She went by Wendy, but I’m pretty sure her Mama named her Maria. She was a real cutie and had an absolutely OUTRAGEOUS body to go with that face: all the curves in just the right places and very well pronounced like: “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!” To borrow from The Commodores, she was truly built like a “Brick OWse!” The night I had to turn her down, pointing out that at my age I was nearly old enough to be her grandpa, I drove home gnawing on my knuckles and chanting over and over again, “There had better be a Heaven! There had better be a Heaven!”)
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As if the music alone weren't reason enough to purchase IBRAHIM FERRER, the song MARIETA contains one of the funniest lyrical passages ever. Translated into English it says: “My wife was suffering from an illness of the heart in Havana. So the doctor came one morning to examine her. He took off her dress, her panties, too. And her slip. But when I saw that indecency I said: This isn’t good; I really don’t think my wife’s heart is that far down.” Imagine that, a song about a doctor “playing doctor.”
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(So, you’re wondering why I told you how attractive Latinas find me? Well, it just so happens that I wasn’t talking to you, Dude; I was trying to send a discreet message to your hot, Hispanic girlfriend. But you know what? To heck with subtlety: Hola guapa, llamame cuando tu novio esta fuera.)
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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8 comments:

  1. Sixgun McItchyfingerApril 3, 2017 at 7:22 AM

    I'd like to read the comments that were posted on Big Bitch. Did you copy those to your computer also? Maybe you could redact the names, like Obama was SUPPOSED to do with Flynn when he was recording the Russian ambassador.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nah, BigBitch.com has now erased every trace of me and every interaction I ever had with anyone on their site.

      Of course Bezos is a bozo -- one of the elite Global Fascists, so it was to be expected.

      ~ D-FensDogG
      Check out my new blog @
      (Link:] Stephen T. McCarthy Reviews...

      Delete
  2. I'm thinking you riled up a few feministas, Stephen, especially if they were Hispanic. ☺
    Having spent most of my working life with men, I took this stuff in stride and kidded them back. Some people are just too sensitive, I guess. Funny lyrics!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, DEBBIE, as I recall, it was all only White women screaming in that comment section.

      I grew up with a Sister, about 3 years younger than I am, and I've had a lot of female friends of the platonic variety, so I know for a fact that women objectify men every bit as much as men objectify women. (Some might say even more so.)

      It's always a matter of "whose ox is getting gored", as my Ma used to say.

      ~ D-FensDogG
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    2. Yes, of course we do the same thing. ☺ Never heard that ox expression before. Good one! Some people take things much too seriously, apparently. You'd think they would see the humour, here.

      Delete
    3. Yes, well this newfangled postmodern society could probably be summed up in a word: hyper-sensitivity. (Hokey-Smoke! Universities need "Safe Spaces", for crying-out-loud!)

      Of course I could think of some other words, too. ;o)

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
  3. Great write-up! I don't know what got the women all riled up. I didn't see anything wrong with what you wrote. Maybe in another lifetime, I would have, but not this one.

    You are right, women objectify men just as much if not more so than the other way around. We just don't like getting caught at it.

    I recall a few decades ago, I was going through guy after guy, and I was losing at the game. My very good friend, Tim, told me I needed to change my thinking and learn to outplay the men at their own game. Let me tell you, once I got that mastered... well, let's just say there was a lot of fun to be had!

    ~Mary
    (I swear I am innocent!)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. INNOCENT MARY ~
      Thank you! I'm pleased that you liked this blog bit. I may have played it up a bit here and there in places (the word "irresistible", for example), but if you don't do that then it's not writing; it's just "typing".

      I've always liked those few times when I caught a woman checking me out, because I know how sly y'all are at it. I seem to catch 'em more now that I'm an old man. I think it's because they're old now, too -- slower and more desperate. Ha!

      Well, now you've seen my most controversial review, so the stuffs to follow on Darwinism, Feminism, and Communism should seem tame. We shall see.

      ~ D-FensDogG
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete

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