ODE TO A BARBER

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THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW:
Floyd's Hair-Raising Adventures
VHS tape released 1992
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Somewhere in the heart of Dixie, yonder in the South
There's a small place called Mount Airy
But as living mythology embraced in my mind
It goes by the name Mayberry
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Her favorite citizens enter into my house
Slipping in by way of TV
And in just thirty short minutes they lighten my life
And they teach my heart how to see
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There's the round Mayor Pike and the round drunken Otis
Sheriff Taylor and Barney Fife
Who at five feet seven, a hundred thirty-eight pounds
Is built like a thin-bladed knife
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Of course there's Goober, Gomer and the sweet Thelma Lou
and the ever-cooking Aunt Bee
There's Helen and Howard and don't forget Opie and
With the first whistled notes, there's me!
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Only a few doors down Main Street from Andy's courthouse
You'll come to a famous "clip joint"
This small shop is the business of barber Floyd Lawson
And this brings me now to the point
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Floyd is a fair barber and a right nervous fellow
In his shop the men come to sit
They get hair cuts, play checkers, and tell their Fish Tales
Or just "loaf", as Opie calls it
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In this tape's Episode One, Floyd's dream is realized
A shop with "two chairs -- no waiting"
But unbeknownst to him the new man is a bookie
Just barber-impersonating
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When Barney goes undercover as an old lady
He breaks up the gambling ring
And Floyd Lawson with his dream handcuffed and arrested
Goes back to one-chair barbering
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In Episode Two, while writing to a rich widow
Floyd is really stretching the truth
Claiming to be a man of business enterprises
and also a little more youth
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But being a "prince of a fellow", Andy steps in
And he helps Floyd to save the day
But only to find that with his very next letter
Floyd has once again gone astray
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In searching old files Deputy Fife discovers
The case of a punch in the nose
And reopening old wounds between Floyd and Foley
Soon the town is coming to blows
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The Sheriff is able to repair the strained friendship
And a Mayberry riot avoid
And in the final scene we see One-Bullet Barney
Fork over a nickel to Floyd
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Here's my favorite sitcom and it always has been
Ain't an episode I don't know
I'd say two of the three episodes presented here
Represent the best of the show
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I would place 'The Deceiver' and a 'Punch In The Nose'
Right firmly in my own Top Ten
I own Hair-Raising Adventures on videotape
And watch it again and again!
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This collection is worth every Star that I gave it
It's better than gold or a dog
I'd rather have it than seventeen supermodels
or a lifetime supply of grog
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Don't you call me a liar and dispute what I say
Or although I'm just Stephen T.
I'll pick up a rock and heave it right through your window
Just as though I were Ernest T.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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