Downtown Los Angeles, circa 1983

Downtown Los Angeles, circa 1983
STMcC in downtown Los Angeles, circa 1983

Monday, June 26, 2017


Floyd's Hair-Raising Adventures
VHS tape released 1992

Somewhere in the heart of Dixie, yonder in the South
There's a small place called Mount Airy
But as living mythology embraced in my mind
It goes by the name Mayberry
Her favorite citizens enter into my house
Slipping in by way of TV
And in just thirty short minutes they lighten my life
And they teach my heart how to see
There's the round Mayor Pike and the round drunken Otis
Sheriff Taylor and Barney Fife
Who at five feet seven, a hundred thirty-eight pounds
Is built like a thin-bladed knife
Of course there's Goober, Gomer and the sweet Thelma Lou
and the ever-cooking Aunt Bee
There's Helen and Howard and don't forget Opie and
With the first whistled notes, there's me!
Only a few doors down Main Street from Andy's courthouse
You'll come to a famous "clip joint"
This small shop is the business of barber Floyd Lawson
And this brings me now to the point
Floyd is a fair barber and a right nervous fellow
In his shop the men come to sit
They get hair cuts, play checkers, and tell their Fish Tales
Or just "loaf", as Opie calls it
In this tape's Episode One, Floyd's dream is realized
A shop with "two chairs -- no waiting"
But unbeknownst to him the new man is a bookie
Just barber-impersonating
When Barney goes undercover as an old lady
He breaks up the gambling ring
And Floyd Lawson with his dream handcuffed and arrested
Goes back to one-chair barbering
In Episode Two, while writing to a rich widow
Floyd is really stretching the truth
Claiming to be a man of business enterprises
and also a little more youth
But being a "prince of a fellow", Andy steps in
And he helps Floyd to save the day
But only to find that with his very next letter
Floyd has once again gone astray
In searching old files Deputy Fife discovers
The case of a punch in the nose
And reopening old wounds between Floyd and Foley
Soon the town is coming to blows
The Sheriff is able to repair the strained friendship
And a Mayberry riot avoid
And in the final scene we see One-Bullet Barney
Fork over a nickel to Floyd
Here's my favorite sitcom and it always has been
Ain't an episode I don't know
I'd say two of the three episodes presented here
Represent the best of the show
I would place 'The Deceiver' and a 'Punch In The Nose'
Right firmly in my own Top Ten
I own Hair-Raising Adventures on videotape
And watch it again and again!
This collection is worth every Star that I gave it
It's better than gold or a dog
I'd rather have it than seventeen supermodels
or a lifetime supply of grog
Don't you call me a liar and dispute what I say
Or although I'm just Stephen T.
I'll pick up a rock and heave it right through your window
Just as though I were Ernest T.
~ Stephen T. McCarthy


  1. Excellent poem about a legendary tv show that I too, love. I wish this Time of life would come back

    1. Thanks, BIRGIT!

      Yeah, Mayberry was almost like a slice of Heaven on Earth, huh? A simpler and much better time.

      ~ D-FensDogG

  2. Bravo. I love every single reference put into this. TAGS is my favorite sitcom of all time, too, and I'd definitely rather be back in Mayberry right now.

    Also, I too would much rather have this than 17 supermodels, but that's not saying much. I'd never want 17 supermodels. Can you imagine how much nagging there would be? How high maintenance they'd all be?

    Besides, 17 is just way too much of any kind of woman. I can only disappoint one lady at a time.

      What did you say about my Ramona?
      Muh-muh-muh-my Ramona?!

      Why, I might just heave this brick through yer winder!

      FUN FACT: In real life, the wife of Howard Morris (Ernest T. Bass) when 'My Fair Ernest T. Bass' was filmed, was Dolores Wylie. The name of the older lady holding the party was named Mrs. Wylie. ("How do you do, Mrs. WY-yyy-LIE?")

      Coincidence? I don't think so.

      Thanks, Brother! Glad you dug the review.

      Hell, I only wish I could RISE to the level of "disappointing" one lady.

      ~ D-FensDogG
      [Link:) Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends

  3. Wonderfully written, my friend! You're a poet, but I didn't know it. Loved TAGS and Floyd was one character that I always looked forward to seeing in the show.


    1. Thank you, MMQE! Glad you liked it.

      Although Barney Fife was truly the most indispensable character on TAGS, Floyd was actually my favorite. Just his mannerisms alone could make me laugh -- the constant fiddling with his tie and unconsciously scratching his head when he was a bit confused (which was often).

      In the history of the show, I wonder how many sentences Floyd started but never finished. [;^)}

      ~ D-FensDogG
      Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends

  4. Sixgun McItchyfingerJune 29, 2017 at 9:22 AM

    HA! Fun poem, Brother.

    I always liked Floyd's character best in the show, also.

    In a comment above you mentioned Howie Morris... LOVED Howie Morris! I don't know if you ever have seen any of the old "Your Show of Shows" - Sid Caesar's variety show - but that guy was funnier than anything.

      I did know of Sid Caesar's 'Your Show Of Shows', but I don't think I've ever seen it, and certainly didn't know of Morris' involvement.

      Soon as I have time, I will see if I can find Mr. Morris on that show uploaded to YouTube.

      ~ D-FensDogG
      [Link:) Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends


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