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NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
directed by Jared Hess
released: 2004
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I was invited to my Sister's house yesterday to watch NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, a movie that I had heard many good things about. The movie reviewer for our local paper, 'The Arizona Republic' (more appropriately called 'The Daily Disappointment' by the former mayor of Prescott, Sam Steiger), proclaimed it the sleeper of 2004. And that's a label that might apply to many of its potential viewers. As the DVD was inserted into the player, and I settled onto the sofa, my 16-year-old niece, Shannon, who had seen the movie previously, said, "It's a pointless movie; it has no storyline." Oh, the wisdom that sometimes emanates from the mouths of babes!
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I contemplated some of the clever and funny ways I might review NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, but decided to tackle it from an angle I seldom employ: straight-forward. I suppose it's understandable why some kids (8 to 12 perhaps) might find this movie entertaining, but this review is a public service announcement for everybody else tempted to buy or rent this "sleeper." QUESTION: Is it fair to harshly criticize a simple little comedy? (A poor word to describe this movie, but one must categorize.) ANSWER: Yes, because it asks for $20 of your money and / or 86 minutes of your valuable time!
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NAPOLEON DYNAMITE is a movie without any "skills", but plenty of problems. This is dynamite that only blows up in the viewer's face.
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PROBLEM #1: I understand that the movie was originally a concept for a student film. Well, the writer / director is STILL a student, because he evidently doesn't understand the most rudimentary principles of filmmaking. A movie needs a central conflict that propels the viewer from scene to scene. This is something that most foreign filmmakers have also failed to grasp. They're still trying to put books on film, and they usually bore because novels and movies are two different mediums with unique necessities. It is possible for an episodic film to succeed, but this is exceedingly rare and requires that every scene be poignant and expand the viewer's understanding of the characters. NAPOLEON DYNAMITE simply moves from one supposedly amusing skit to another. The scenes lack dynamism and do not illustrate previously unexplored facets of the characters. And that brings up another problem...
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THE CHARACTERS: The principal character, Napoleon Dynamite, could best be described as a two-toned dog: 'Goofy' with the hairstyle of a poodle! It's fine to have an odd character or two, but you cannot entirely people your story with oddballs. You must have one or two "ordinary" characters to balance the relationships. Here, the only characters who are not overtly strange are simply one-dimensional bullies and snobbish school queens who appear only occasionally to act as a foil for the misfits. Consider the great sit-com, 'THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW': In the early days, Griffith played Andy Taylor as "a heavy-handed rural clown", and it didn't really work; there were too many of that sort in the cast. One day, Griffith said, "I just realized that I'm the straight man. I'm playing straight to all these kooks around me." The next season he downplayed his character, becoming the true heart and soul of the show. NAPOLEON DYNAMITE has no heart and soul; it is just a bunch of kooks in search of a story. And unbelievable kooks at that. The scenes between LaFawnduh and Kip were preposterous in the extreme.
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Sure, there were a few nice moments that elicited a smile or a snicker or two from me. They did manage to convey that sense of insecurity and social ineptitude of young people (especially through the monosyllabic dialogue). Seeing Napoleon step out of his cocoon and daringly help his friend Pedro at the school assembly was the one moment in which we see some sort of genuine growth in a character. The shot of Napoleon practicing his dance moves through his partially closed bedroom door was the one artistic flair that got my attention. Nicely done. And I did appreciate the fact that here was a movie without the customary nudity and over-the-top profanity and violence. But it takes more than that to justify spending an hour and a half of my time in front of the "Lobotomizer."
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It's clear to me that Hollyweird is now officially out of ideas. The Hollyweirdos have been reduced to making movies based on comic books (Superman, Batman, Spiderman, et. al.), TV shows (The Brady Bunch, The Honeymooners, Bewitched), remaking movies that don't need any remaking (Born Yesterday, The Longest Yard, The Bad News Bears), and trying to pass off student movies as genuine films (Napoleon Dynamite). Don't be fooled: NAPOLEON DYNAMITE is nothing more than a low-budget student movie that pretends to make some sort of statement, and imagines itself to be a "film"; it's an invisibly small-scale story that desires to be thought of as something bigger and more important. Kind of like that other Napoleon.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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THE QUICK AND THE DEAD
starring Sharon Stone and Gene Hackman
released: 1995
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In THE QUICK AND THE DEAD, Sharon Stone plays a cheroot-smoking, Clint Eastwood-mimicking 1800s gunslinger, and Gene Hackman plays Gene Hackman -- think of a wood plank; you know, something just a little less rigid and a little more emotional than Clint Eastwood.
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For the intelligent reader, this is all the review that should be necessary. Sure, I could proceed point-by-point in illustrating what makes this movie such a putrid corpse (a real “Boot Hill” special), but frankly, it is not even worthy of a serious critique.
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THE QUICK AND THE DEAD -- along with Jack Nicholson’s THE SHOOTING (1967) and Jane Russell’s THE OUTLAW (1943) -- represents “The Dreck Of The West” on celluloid, and it is a good example of why I completely stopped going to the movies two decades ago. I was tired of paying money to have my intelligence insulted (as well as having Hollywood’s immorality paraded before my eyes).
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Although this movie is an empty-headed, overly-produced, ultra-dippy “cartoon” (the Biblical allusion was especially stupid and any Yosemite Sam cartoon would be funnier and equally believable), it did amply show me what I borrowed it from the library to see -- namely, MESCAL.
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MESCAL is a frontier town movie set where numerous Westerns have been filmed. It is located near Benson, Arizona, just three miles North of Interstate 10 (exit #297) and on “the other side of the tracks.” (I’ve always wanted to say that!)
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My brother, Napoleon, my friend, Pooh, and I sneaked into MESCAL quite a number of years back (a REAL Outlaw Trio), but I have since longed to take the “official” $8.00, 45-minute guided tour, and on a day in May, that dream was finally realized.
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The tour begins in the large saloon built specifically for THE QUICK AND THE DEAD, and there are no phones, johns, or refreshments available. (No saltwater taffy here, folks! This is the REAL West... uhm... built for moviemaking.) Some other FAR BETTER Westerns than The Quick And The Dead that have largely or partially utilized the MESCAL set include:
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The great [link> MONTE WALSH (1970) featuring Lee Marvin and Jack Palance. MESCAL represented both towns, Harmony and Charleyville.
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MESCAL was Roy Bean’s Langtry, Texas, in THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JUDGE ROY BEAN (1972), and Paul Newman’s courthouse/saloon is still standing!
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If memory serves me, it stood in for (if memory serves me) Hays, Kansas in THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES (1976), where that old cigar-store Indian of an actor, Clint Eastwood, asked the Confederate soldiers, "Are you going to pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?"
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And it played the part of Tombstone, Arizona, in Val Kilmer’s TOMBSTONE (1993). On the MESCAL tour, you will walk into The Oriental saloon (now an empty shell of its former self) where Kurt Russell slapped around Billy Bob Thornton and where, later, Ol’ Doc Holliday matched Ol’ Johnny Ringo’s gun tricks with a fancy exhibition of silver cup-handling.
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The MESCAL Tour operates on a very limited schedule, so call ahead: (520) 883-0100; press menu option #7.
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I watched THE QUICK AND THE DEAD -- filmed entirely at MESCAL -- solely to see the movie set. And if you haven’t got any gardening to do; a house to clean; children to watch; a good book to read; quality music to hear; a dinner to cook; letters to write; bills to pay; windows to wash; a dentist to see; a room to paint; a leaky faucet to fix; a friend to visit; a car to repair; a play to attend; a wife (or husband) to love; a drawing to sketch; a good movie to view; an enemy to fight; a dog to walk; a cat to kick; a geriatric to help; a mouse to catch; a fly to swat; a walk to take; dishes to scrub; laundry to fold; prayers to pray; shopping to do; a bank to rob; a supermodel to stalk; a nap to sleep; a game of solitaire to play; or a Louisville Slugger-wielding friend to batter you into unconsciousness, then by all means, I recommend that you borrow THE QUICK AND THE DEAD from your local library.
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But be forewarned, if you do borrow it from your library and your trigger finger doesn’t hit that “eject” button QUICK enough when the movie turns stupid (which it does very QUICKLY), then this movie might render you brain-DEAD. Of course, if you actually PURCHASE this movie, then you probably already are!
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For more information about Mescal and Old Tucson Studios, click HERE.
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"Sneaking In Directions":
Take I-10 East out of Tucson approx. 35 miles to exit #297 -- Go north 3 miles to where the pavement ends. Proceed West up the hill to town. Be quiet so as not to wake the security guard sleeping in the old recreational vehicle.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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AMERICA'S GODLY HERITAGE
by David Barton
published: 1993
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In 1993, a friend and coworker loaned me his videocassette of David Barton's 'AMERICA'S GODLY HERITAGE'. Knowing that I was not what the "orthodox" Christian Church would call a "Christian", he said almost half-apologetically, "I think you might find this interesting... but I don't know. Maybe not." Instead, he should have handed me the tape with immense boldness!
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It is a great understatement to say that I was totally unprepared for the information contained in 'AMERICA'S GODLY HERITAGE'. Like most Americans, I had been brainwashed into believing that "SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE" was some foundational principle in our form of government. I had been conditioned by our social engineers (academia; the judiciary; the media; and the scoundrels that we continually send to Washington D.C. to represent us) to accept the seeds of secular Socialism. And being too "busy" (read: lazy) to read "THE SUPREME LAW OF THE LAND" for myself (Pssst. It's called, 'THE CONSTITUTION'), I didn't know any better. Shame on me! 'AMERICA'S GODLY HERITAGE' convicted me of my ignorance, and viewing it was the first step I took on my way to becoming a bona fide "American patriot".
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I am appalled by how often I find deceivers misrepresenting the truth in their Amazon.com reviews; taking information out of context in order to distort it and deliberately mislead others. Often their own words expose the fact that they are not even familiar with the material they are pretending to review.
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On the Amazon.com product page for 'America's Godly Heritage' we have a self-proclaimed "Christian HISTORIAN" who, ignoring the fact that the vast majority of America's Founding Fathers were members of orthodox Christian churches, seizes upon statements from a few of the less religious Founders to paint an inaccurate picture. And quoting the Treaty of Tripoly out of context hardly reveals the whole story behind it!
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Our "Christian HISTORIAN" neglects to tell us that . . .
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John Adams said, "The general principles on which the fathers achieved independence were... the general principles of Christianity."
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John Jay declared, "Providence has given to our people the choice of their rulers, and it is the duty -- as well as the privilege and interest -- of our Christian nation to select and prefer Christians for their rulers." But what did John Jay know? He was only the original Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court and one of the 3 men most responsible for the Constitution!
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Our "Christian HISTORIAN" would have us believe that the "Father Of His Country", George Washington, was not a Christian. This is the same Washington who told his troops at Valley Forge:
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"To the distinguished character of Patriot, it should be our highest glory to laud the more distinguished character of Christian." The same Washington whose June 14, 1783, prayer for the U.S.A. included this plea: "Almighty God, we make our earnest prayer that Thou wilt keep the United States in Thy Holy protection... Grant our supplication, we beseech Thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." You'll find that on a plaque in St. Paul's Chapel in New York City, and at Pohick Church, Fairfax County, Virginia, where this supposed "non-Christian", Washington, was a vestryman from 1762 to 1784.
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Yeah, our reviewer is a "Christian HISTORIAN" like I'm a six-year-old Hindu girl from Dogbreath Falls, Minnesota!
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As of this date, "Christian HISTORIAN"'s total Amazon.com content consists of only 3 reviews: 2 of them bashing David Barton, and the third one praising some Rock album with "driving distorted guitars with a tinge of punk and attitude". Just what one would expect from a "Christian HISTORIAN", right? The title for his review of 'America's Godly Heritage' is "THIS IS FICTION". I agree with his title, but only if it is referring to the review he posted below it!
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'AMERICA'S GODLY HERITAGE' holds a wealth of surprising information, and David Barton has so much to tell us that he must deliver it in double-time fashion. This tape probably won't "entertain" you, although it will quite possibly shock you! But this is just the tip of the iceberg. His masterpiece of research is the scholarly tome 'ORIGINAL INTENT: The Courts, The Constitution, & Religion'. David Barton is the owner of many original documents from the Founding era, and he maintains a great website: www.wallbuilders.com
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The "Christian HISTORIAN" says that America was not founded on Judeo-Christian principles, but was intended as a secular nation. This "non-orthodox Christian" says he's wrong! Believe who you will.
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The 39 men who signed the U.S. Constitution concluded it with, "Done in convention by the unanimous consent of the States present, the seventeenth day of September, in the Year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and eighty seven."
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Now which "Lord" do you suppose America's Founders had in mind? Fauntleroy?
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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