ODE TO A BARBER

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THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW:
Floyd's Hair-Raising Adventures
VHS tape released 1992
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Somewhere in the heart of Dixie, yonder in the South
There's a small place called Mount Airy
But as living mythology embraced in my mind
It goes by the name Mayberry
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Her favorite citizens enter into my house
Slipping in by way of TV
And in just thirty short minutes they lighten my life
And they teach my heart how to see
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There's the round Mayor Pike and the round drunken Otis
Sheriff Taylor and Barney Fife
Who at five feet seven, a hundred thirty-eight pounds
Is built like a thin-bladed knife
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Of course there's Goober, Gomer and the sweet Thelma Lou
and the ever-cooking Aunt Bee
There's Helen and Howard and don't forget Opie and
With the first whistled notes, there's me!
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Only a few doors down Main Street from Andy's courthouse
You'll come to a famous "clip joint"
This small shop is the business of barber Floyd Lawson
And this brings me now to the point
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Floyd is a fair barber and a right nervous fellow
In his shop the men come to sit
They get hair cuts, play checkers, and tell their Fish Tales
Or just "loaf", as Opie calls it
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In this tape's Episode One, Floyd's dream is realized
A shop with "two chairs -- no waiting"
But unbeknownst to him the new man is a bookie
Just barber-impersonating
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When Barney goes undercover as an old lady
He breaks up the gambling ring
And Floyd Lawson with his dream handcuffed and arrested
Goes back to one-chair barbering
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In Episode Two, while writing to a rich widow
Floyd is really stretching the truth
Claiming to be a man of business enterprises
and also a little more youth
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But being a "prince of a fellow", Andy steps in
And he helps Floyd to save the day
But only to find that with his very next letter
Floyd has once again gone astray
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In searching old files Deputy Fife discovers
The case of a punch in the nose
And reopening old wounds between Floyd and Foley
Soon the town is coming to blows
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The Sheriff is able to repair the strained friendship
And a Mayberry riot avoid
And in the final scene we see One-Bullet Barney
Fork over a nickel to Floyd
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Here's my favorite sitcom and it always has been
Ain't an episode I don't know
I'd say two of the three episodes presented here
Represent the best of the show
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I would place 'The Deceiver' and a 'Punch In The Nose'
Right firmly in my own Top Ten
I own Hair-Raising Adventures on videotape
And watch it again and again!
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This collection is worth every Star that I gave it
It's better than gold or a dog
I'd rather have it than seventeen supermodels
or a lifetime supply of grog
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Don't you call me a liar and dispute what I say
Or although I'm just Stephen T.
I'll pick up a rock and heave it right through your window
Just as though I were Ernest T.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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A Review That’s MAINLY Tall TALE

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MANE 'N TAIL Hair Conditioner
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Oddly enough, a lot of people seem to be of the belief that I was born on April 6th. (The fact that I put April 6th under “Birthdate” on my Profile Page may have played a small part in the confusion, but that’s just a guess.)
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In truth, I was born on the 8th of August (which sure beats the Ides of March as a birthdate!) This, of course, makes me a LEO THE LION. And when you are Leo The Lion, you are “The King Of The Jungle”, and people expect you to look like the top cat; you can’t exactly go out in public looking like a dog. And that’s why when I wash what’s left of my hair (which isn’t often and isn’t much) I use MANE ‘N TAIL Conditioner exclusively (except for when I use another brand of conditioner). 
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It is important that my mane is the cat’s meow when I cat around. Now in my 47th year, there’s a lot of competition from younger cats, and if I want to catch the eye of a lovely lioness, I simply must look my best. Any lion who would wash his mane ‘n fail to follow it up with MANE ‘N TAIL Conditioner should be flogged within an inch of one of his nine lives with a cat-o’-nine-tails! There’s simply no excuse (other than laziness) for not taking the little extra time to put the exquisite finishing touch of MANE ‘N TAIL Conditioner on your washing. Don’t you want to look like a real cool cat from mane to tail before showing off your latest dance moves in front of the ladies? Don't be a lazy lion! 
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MANE ‘N TAIL Conditioner will impart so much luster to your hair that it will make that other luster, Jimmy Carter, downright jealous! It works so well that you may have to shave your head and send your hair to Father Xavier Rojas for Confession. 
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Split ends? MANE ‘N TAIL healed mine so well that I had to be fitted with a colostomy bag! 
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If you want to continue with your cat and mouse game of running from one conditioner to another, you’re just wasting your time because all the hep cats know that quality hair products BEGIN ‘N END with MANE ‘N TAIL -– the first and last name in hair care. Any lion who says I’m lyin’ had better “Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up! I can fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I can fight you standing on one foot.” (I have given it four stars instead of five only because my MANE ‘N TAIL Conditioner doesn’t turn into a gazelle sandwich and a saucer of milk at midnight.)
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You can be sure that this cat needs all the help he can get, and after I’m done shampooing my mane, I always finish the job with MANE ‘N TAIL Conditioner before leaving my lair and venturing into those Dens of Iniquity, chasing tail on a Saturday night. (Even though at my age, the tail I end up chasing is always my own.)
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy 
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O, WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE...

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MANE 'N TAIL Hair Detangler

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It was my own fault, really. I deliberately antagonized the neighbor’s Pit Bull, and then when that dog lunged at me, I laughed and sprayed him fully in the face.

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It wasn’t until a month later, when the bandages were finally removed from my eyes (head, neck, chest, arms, and legs), that I saw this MANE ‘N TAIL product is a “Detangler”, not a Defangler! (Even so, I’ve deducted one star from its grade only because I think that word should be printed more boldly on the label and in capitalized block letters; it really isn’t clear enough if you glance at the bottle too quickly.)

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But I’ll admit, once I figured out what this MANE ‘N TAIL Detangler is really designed to do and began using it as it was intended, I found that it does work exactly as advertised. It must have about 101 uses -- I’ve tried it in several different capacities and it has truly worked well, and quickly also! 

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A few months ago, I wound up with a knot in my shoelaces (I’m old-fashioned and haven’t switched over to those newfangled velcro doohickeys yet), but just one quick spritzing and those laces practically detangled themselves. 

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I was doing a little knitting recently (don’t tell anyone, because I’m not as big as Rosie Greer and they’ll laugh at me) when my yarn got all jumbled up. Well, I gave it a good spraying and I was back to knitting in a matter of minutes. Amazing stuffs! It’s no wonder that MANE ‘N TAIL Detangler is used and endorsed by celebrities -- it works! Bob Dylan used it in 1974 when he was “Tangled Up In Blue”, and from what I understand, Bettie Page wouldn’t leave home without it.

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And the MANE ‘N TAIL Detangler doesn’t just detangle the color Blue or common rope-like things; it works just as well on ANY kind of tangled mess!

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Heck, a year ago about this time, I was having all kinds of trouble with the Internal Revenue Service over my tax return. Uncle Sam was insisting that I owed him more of my money than I had figured. (Personally, I didn’t feel that I had gotten what I paid for to begin with, but that's another story.) So, in refiguring my taxes, I gave the form a good soaking with the MANE ‘N TAIL Detangler just before mailing the tax form for a second time, and wouldn’t ya know it? Three weeks later, I received a tax refund check in the mail from Uncle Sam, WITH an apology for all the pain and suffering that he had caused me, and a promise that he would return to Truth, Justice, and the American Way in the very near future! Now, THAT'S what I call getting positive results from a product that more than delivers on its promises. (Maybe we ought to drench Washington D.C. in the stuff using crop-dusting planes, eh?)

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The MANE ‘N TAIL Detangler works equally well on detangling personal relationships: I sprayed it on a troublesome woman once and she and her paternity suit disappeared in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately, I learned that later the kid in question was drafted by the Los Angeles Dodgers and signed to a seven million dollar contract. Oh well, ya win some, ya lose some.

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I’m an Old School ponytail-free guy, so I couldn’t really say, but according to my Sister, this stuff can detangle long hair, too. Just an added bonus from a really versatile product.

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I can tell you from firsthand experience, however, that the MANE ‘N TAIL Detangler works well at the breakfast table also. Never again will some restaurant charge you for orange juice but secretly slip you a glass of cheap Tang instead. One little blast of Detangler on the liquid’s surface, and if it’s Tang in that glass, faster than you can say “The moon landing was filmed on a soundstage”, it will turn into clear water. Now, they’ll REALLY have something special if those nice folks at MANE ‘N TAIL can just come up with a product that will then turn that "deTANGled" water into wine. : )

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~ Stephen T. McCarthy

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