DOESN’T CUT THE MUSTARD!

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[As I recall, I originally posted this review on Christmas Eve in 2005 or 2006. Remember that, you'll need it later.]
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MXZ POCKET SAW
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The MXZ SAW is advertised as “The Only Saw You Will Use To Cut Everything You Can Think Of.” To the advertising “genius” who dreamed up that slogan, I have THIS to say: “CUT THE CRAP!” This thing is so useless that I’ll bet the feds would let you carry it onto an airplane!
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My Brother, Napoleon, recently purchased the MXZ SAW because he has a thang for mechanical gadgets and because he’s one of those suckers “born every minute.” Well, immediately that sucker “saw” that he’d been snookered by this saw. He showed it to me, and after experimenting with it briefly, I realized quickly that the MXZ SAW is so ineffective that it certainly will NOT “cut everything you can think of”. For example:
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It couldn’t cut in line.
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It couldn’t cut into your action.
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It couldn’t even cut the cheese!
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It’s not as sharp as a sharp-dressed man.
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It couldn’t cut the deck at a poker tournament.
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A drug dealer couldn’t use it to cut his cocaine.
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Gaylord Perry couldn’t use it to doctor a baseball.
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It’s not as sharp as your village idiot.
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Santa Claus couldn’t use it to cut down on his Christmas list.
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It couldn’t cut hard water.
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Heck, you can’t even use it to cut corners!
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In all seriousness, the MXZ SAW went through a cardboard box easily enough, but any reasonably sharp knife would have done just as well. I tried it out on a wooden mop handle -- after all, Napoleon and I are bachelors, what need do we have for a mop? It was effective, but a wood saw would have done the same in maybe half the time.
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I had less success on a metal chain link and an aluminum curtain rod. (Well, I thought it was too dark in Napoleon’s bedroom with that curtain up anyway.) After much back-n-forth action, the MXZ SAW did manage to make slight indentations in the chain link and curtain rod. But so what? Given enough time, drops of water will eventually wear down a river rock, too! I probably could have sawn through those metal objects if I'd been willing to keep sawing until Christmas Eve 2007. My bolt cutter, however, would have gone through them both in under two seconds.
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The good news is that you could probably let your little boy play with the MXZ SAW because I don’t think it poses any genuine threat to “snails and puppy dog tails”. And while a person probably could use this saw to commit suicide, unless that person was extremely young, chances are they would die of natural causes before the deed was done.
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I’d say that what you really have here is the world’s largest nail file. And speaking of “file”, someone probably should file a lawsuit against this company for misleading advertising. I’m sorry, but I can’t even cut the MXZ SAW a little slack using the MXZ SAW.
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Well, listen, I’m going to cut this review short now (with my Ginsu knife), and simply suggest that you get yourself a wood saw and bolt cutter and forget about the MXZ SAW. We threw ours into the trash because it just doesn't cut it!
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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